Boinked!
by The Three Dimensions
Summary: Yaoi. Zenon and Shien played a disastrous prank on Homura, resulting in the latter going insane and developing a bizzare craze for a drunken Sanzo who had been drugged senseless by Lirin. H39 threesome mainly. [Chp.11 up, finally!]
1. Of Gods And Games

Bad Faith: Good day folks, how's it hanging? This happens to be our (as in me, Hikaru R. Kuduo and Solarwind Starfire) first collaboration fic, so you'll forgive us if this story happens to be a little lame :) Be warned that this is a yaoi fic, so for all you hetero-loving chaps, row your boats far away from here. This is the 1st time Solarwind and I are writing a yaoi fic, but Hikaru's got lotsa experience in that field. Read her fics, she writes great RuHana stories. Solarwind is more into games, and I'm just the one who spouts angry stuff.  
  
Okay, now that I'm done babbling, enjoy this story. The next chapters will be up soon, cross my wittle heart. Please R/R (Omae o koruso if you don't!) and have a nice day.  
  
Disclaimers: If we owned them, I would've altered Goku's fashion sense a long time ago.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I want everything on the menu!" exclaimed Goku, his golden eyes sparkling eagerly.  
  
"Once you get fat, you won't be able to fight as efficiently as before," scoffed Gojyo. "Not that you're efficient at the moment anyway....." "Why you horny water monster....." "Baka zaru!"  
  
"I don't think he'll get fat, Gojyo," said Hakkai, offering a small piece of chicken to Hakuryu. "He's growing, and he's active too. Right, Sanzo?"  
  
The blond monk snorted in response.  
  
"Why can't we eat inside? We're exposing ourselves to unneccessary heat out here!" complained Gojyo.  
  
"Another word from you will be your last," threatened Sanzo.  
  
Gojyo threw a death glare in Sanzo's direction. The latter ignored him.  
  
"Your sake," the waiter placed Sanzo's sake bottle and glass on the table. "Anything to eat?"  
  
Goku brightened up immediately. He pulled the poor waiter (somewhat roughly, we might add) and started pointing at all the food listed in the menu.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Lilin-sama!" Yaone called frantically. "Lilin-sama!"  
  
Lilin was running away from Yaone. The latter was chasing the shorter she-demon across the rooftops.  
  
"Lilin-sama! You can't play with that pill!"  
  
Lilin stuck out her tongue. "I got it, so it's mine! You can't have it back!"  
  
"But Lilin-sama, it's very harmful!"  
  
Coincidentally, the two were on the rooftop of the very same restaurant Sanzo's party were at. The party were too preoccupied bickering amongst themselves to notice either Yaone or Lilin.  
  
Suddenly Lilin lost her footing. Her hands waving frantically to balance herself, that her grip on the pill loosened. The tiny white pill dropped - straight into Sanzo's glass!  
  
And no, Sanzo did not realize it, for he was whacking one noisy monster and one water monster with his formidable paper fan. Hakkai, on the other hand, was trying to control the situation.  
  
"Let's not fight here," he begged. "People are watching."  
  
Sanzo sat back in his chair. "Childish idiots." He gulped his sake down.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Shien and Zeon were playing. Usually gods do not play Truth Or Dare, but there are times when moments of ennui cause them to do, shall we say, absurd things.  
  
"Truth or Dare, Zeon?" asked Shien.  
  
Zeon grinned. "Dare. I'm not a chicken - like some people."  
  
Shien glared at him. Just because he had asked Zeon for Truth instead of Dare, Zeon had categorised him as a wimp.  
  
Flashback  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Why? Too scared to choose Dare?" teased Zeon.  
  
"No."  
  
"Then why Truth?"  
  
"Because the game is called Truth or Dare, that means that I get to pick one of them."  
  
"Fine, if Truth is what you really want...OK, tell me the most humiliating fact about yourself, that nobody knows."  
  
Shien knew that Zeon wasn't going to go easy on him. "Uh...can't you ask something else?"  
  
"No." Zeon's nasty grin widened.  
  
"Fine. I, uh, I wear pink underwear."  
  
Zeon laughed. "No, you have to tell me something else."  
  
"But that - "  
  
"Everybody in Heaven knows that. In fact, I think I heard Goku boasting to Sanzo that he saw your bright pink underwear - complete with frills."  
  
If Shien wasn't who he was, he would have died out of utter embarassment. *Memo to self: Kill Goku the next time I see him.*  
  
"Come on, Shien. You can do better than that, I'm sure."  
  
Shien decided he might as well continue the game. "I...I'm crazy for..."  
  
Zeon kept silent, eyebrows raised inquiringly.  
  
"For...Gojyo."  
  
Zeon blinked once, then twice. "That yokai? Why?"  
  
"Pink."  
  
Needless to say, Zeon howled in laughter.  
  
End of Flashback  
  
"Give me all you've got, Shien," challenged Zeon.  
  
Shien's lips curved into a mischievious smile. "Revenge will be sweet..." 


	2. My Head Goes Boom

A/N: Bad Faith here again, representing the 3 Dimensions (Hmmmpph, I'm only good for public relations...) Thanks to all the people who have reviewed, you guys rock :) Here's the next chapter, hopefully we'll have lots more reviewers (which probably isn't gonna happen. Ah well, cest la vie)...if you have any ideas or comments to contribute, you know where our car is parked (right on the 'Submit Review' button, in case you're wondering.)  
  
  
  
Homura was deep in meditation. Most religious figures meditate under trees. But not Homura. While it was a good idea (it can get hot at midday) Homura figured that trees provided hazards like rotting branches and birds. For that matter, outdoors was a problem. Besides, people (such as Sanzo's party) tended to bother him one way or another. That was why, when he really didn't want to be bothered, he meditated indoors.  
  
Unbeknownst to him, Zeon and Shien were hiding in the rafters.  
  
"Do I really have to do this?" whined Zeon. Homura was NOT nice to people who bothered him during his daily meditations.  
  
Shien nodded, grinning evilly. He handed the luckless god a set of robes and a blond wig. "Now put this on and do it. Unless, of course, you're a chicken," he suggested. "Too scared to go through with your dare, Zeon?"  
  
Zeon flushed. "No way!" he almost yelled, before remembering that he would alert the fighting god to their presence. "No way," he said in a quieter tone. He pulled the monk's robes over his head and jammed on the wig.  
  
It should be noted here that Zeon did not, even remotely, resemble Sanzo. He looked like someone dressed up as Sanzo for Halloween. Shien helped him adjust the costume and patted him on the back. "Go get 'em, Zeon," said Shien cheerfully. "Make him look up. That's all you have to do." And when he saw 'Sanzo', Shien thought gleefully, Zeon was toast.  
  
Zeon swallowed hard and teleported to the floor. "Um...Homura? Hey...?" he said to Homura. The meditating god didn't even notice him. Shien facepalmed. Zeon cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Homura!" he said in a reasonable imitation of Sanzo's voice. "Let's settle our differences. Here and now." Zeon cringed and braced himself. He knew that Homura could break his spine five different ways without looking up.  
  
Nothing happened. Zeon blinked and looked up at Shien, who shrugged. "Homura! Look! It's *your girlfriend*!" yelled Zeon. No response. ".........Booga booga booga?"  
  
"You're pathetic, Zeon, "laughed Shien. Zeon glowered and set his jaw. He would finish this dare, even if it killed him.  
  
Which was very likely.  
  
Homura did not react when Zeon yelled that the house was on fire, nor when he told him that Goku was beating up Shien, nor when he claimed that Nataku was standing in the doorway in a pork bun costume. The demigod was quickly becoming desperate. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the nightmare from a dinner of stale sushi! I am the hangover after your sake binge! I am..." Zeon look at Homura and sighed. His master showed absolutely no sign of having heard him despite his getting louder and louder. On the beam directly above Homura, Shien had collapsed in a fit of laughter and lay on his front, pounding the beam with his fists and flailing his legs in the air. "Urgh....forget it," finished Zeon in disgust. He teleported back onto the beam.  
  
"You win," he said resignedly to a still hysterical Shien.  
  
"Really? You give up?" Shien managed to gasp in between fits of giggles.  
  
"Ye - " There was an ominous crack from below their feet. " - uh oh."  
  
The building was obviously very old. The beams were not meant to support the weight of two deities as well as th roof. It had started to crack while Zeon was preparing for his dare. It had widened with Shien's vigorous pounding. Shien's pounding in mirth and Zeon's weight was just too much for the old beam. Before either of the demigods could move, the beam cracked completely and fell. While deities do not have to be subjected to the same forces of nature mere mortals have to put up with, they generally have to think about counteracting these forces. Zeon and Shien had a moment of irrational thought-stopping panic. That one moment was enough to make sure they both went plunging down with the beam.  
  
As luck would have it, the beam crashed down onto Homura's head. While this would normally spell death for any mortal, Homura was a god. Therefore, the ancient piece of timber simply bounced off like a rubber ball, but not before laying out th god on the floor. It caught Shien on the rebound and sent him flying to the far wall.  
  
  
  
  
  
Zeon blinked. Images of miniatures Gokus in pink tutus danced before his eyes. *Am I dead?* he wondered. *Don't be ridiculous, you're a GOD,* a voice in his head reminded him. *Oh, right. Huh.* He struggled up to a sitting position with a groan and clutched the back of his Sanzo wig. *Hey, wait a minute - my Sanzo wig?*  
  
In a flash he remembered what had happened - the dare, failing to get his master's attention, the beam falling on his master's head...Zeon cringed as he got up rather wobbily. There was a very good chance that, after his master was through with him, he would be: a) turned into a steak and served to the King Of Gods, b) forced to become a flamenco dancer and perform in front of the higher gods during their festivals or c) forced to become the Sanzo party's lapdog for a week, just for the fun of it. Or possibly all three.  
  
"Uh...Homura? Shien?"  
  
"I'm here, you idiot," came the scathing reply from across the room. Zeon braced himself for his master's retaliation, then stopped and gave a sigh of relief as Shien emerged from a pile of rubble, looking like the Incredible Hulk does when he has just transformed and burst through 18 buildings - minus the muscled and green fur.  
  
"This is all your fault!" Shien spat, then choked as dust invaded his throat.  
  
Zeon was outraged. "My fault! I don't recall rolling about on the rafters like a maniac. Besides, *you* were the one who ate a whole turkey for dinner yesterday - you must have gained weight! I *told* you it wouldn't hurt to take salad once in a while, but nooo, you had to - "  
  
"*You.*"  
  
"Me what?" Zeon spun around, causing his blond wig to tilt to one side. His breath caught in his throat. Homura was standing on the other side of the room, staring daggers at Zeon. "Genjo Sanzo," Homura snarled in the same low, menacing voice. His eyes had a look of madness in them that was so intence it gave both Zeon and Shien chills.  
  
"Genjo Sanzo," Homura repeated. For a moment he stood in his place, silent and motionless.  
  
Then a blur flashed across the room and Zeon found himself lying on his back on the floor, with something very heavy sitting on top of him. Homura's insane face bore down inches away from his. "Shien!" Zeon croaked in a desperate attempt for help. There was no reply. *Omae o koruso, coward!*  
  
"Homura, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" A hand snaked across Zeon's face to grasp a fistful of blond hair. "Hey, are you listening to me?" The other hand held his chin a death grip. Homura then flashed an impossibly crazy smile down at his henchman. Speechless, Zeon was contemplating what to do next when suddenly Homura's grip on his chin relaxed -  
  
And Homura bent down to plant a kiss on his lips.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Relax, it's not Homura/Zeon....see you at the 3rd chapter. 


	3. Looking For Sanzo: A Homura Journey

Author's Notes: Merry Christmas, everyone! I have finally posted up the 3rd chapter of this story (Gomen, I'm a very bad updater.) Not much going on in this chapter, but it builds up the foundation for the real excitement, which is going to take place in the next chapter....._* You know the drill, R & R, see you guys real soon.  
  
P.S: Bad Faith has struck again by changing her user name. She is now known as Evanescence.  
  
* * * *  
  
  
  
"Ne, Hakkai, are you going shopping? I'm coming with you!" Goku chibified and tugged at Hakkai's shirt sleeve, flashing a pair of impossibly enormous golden puppy eyes at him.  
  
Gojyo snorted as he lit his 8th cigarette for the day. "Stupid monkey, you just had lunch." He exhaled in a leisurely manner, watching as the smoke wafted over to Goku. The latter coughed, waving his hand around to clear the air. Then he rounded furiously on Gojyo.  
  
"I'm not a monkey!"  
  
"Denial won't do you any good...monkey!"  
  
"Red cockroach!" Goku lunged at Gojyo, knocking the latter's shoulder. The cigarette was knocked out of his grasp.  
  
"Baka zaru, you're going to pay for that!" And they were off and running.  
  
Hakkai cleared his throat and tried in vain to intervene. "Uh, it's not good to fight right after lunch, you know..." He gave up as Goku's shoe went flying past his face. Sighing, he turned to Sanzo, the usual "peacemaker" on occasions like this. To his surprise, Sanzo didn't even seem to notice what was happening.  
  
"Sanzo, are you alright? You don't look well," Hakkai remarked. Hakuryu squealed in agreement. Sanzo's face looked paler and possibly droopier than usual. Beads of sweat dotted his face excessively, and when Hakkai looked more carefully, he could see that Sanzo's hands were shaking slightly. "Sanzo?" Hakkai prodded tentatively.  
  
Sanzo grunted something indistinct and shook his head. Yet Hakkai could see that even that movement required considerable effort. Upon seeing this, Goku untangled himself from Gojyo's death grip and peered into Sanzo's face.  
  
"Hey, Sanzo, you look sick. Maybe you should sit down for a while. Or we could go to an inn where you could rest. Hakkai could fix you a drink..." Goku's efforts to comfort the monk were clumsy yet so touching in a way that Hakkai smiled. Even the corners of Gojyo's mouth turned up slightly.  
  
The smiles were instantly wiped off their faces when the unmistakable folds of Sanzo's infamous paper fan materialized out of nowhere and landed squarely on Goku's head. Goku clutched his head, howling as he fell facedown onto the ground. "Itai," he moaned, glaring into the dirt.  
  
Sanzo made an impatient sound, then straightened his robes and turned around -  
  
And walked straight into a wall.  
  
Goku's eyes widened to the size of Hakuryu's jeep tyres. Hakkai made to steady Sanzo, but the monk stubbornly resisted, stumbling back and moving away from the rest of them. "Go to the nearest inn," he mumbled.  
  
"What about you?" Gojyo thought it very likely that Sanzo might walk into a pond and not even notice, judging by his bizzare condition right now.  
  
"I'm just going for a short walk," Sanzo answered shortly.  
  
Goku opened to say something but was silenced by Gojyo's warning look.  
  
Hakkai, ever the understanding person, merely nodded. "We'll see you back at the inn, then," he said cheerfully, starting off in the other direction with Gojyo and Goku in tow.  
  
"Do you think he drank too much?" Gojyo wondered.  
  
"You drank as much as he did," Hakkai reminded him. "I'm sure he'll be okay - although I've never seen him like that before."  
  
"If he were reasonable, he'd take my advice and find a pretty woman and get laid."  
  
"Laid?" Goku piped up. His eyes clouded with confusion.  
  
"You're too young, monkey. Maybe one day when you're older."  
  
"I'm more than 500 years old! I'm older than *all* of you!"  
  
"Ne, do I look shorter than you?!"  
  
"Guys," Hakkai said reproachfully. He could understand why Sanzo wanted to be alone - what with all the arguing, *he* was starting to get a headache.  
  
* * * *  
  
If Zenon had never felt complete astonishment after this, he was feeling it now. This situation felt so surreal, he wanted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. As it was he was pinned down by his master's weight - not to mention his lips. *I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.* Zenon was sure his face displayed all signs of a chicken about to be slaughtered.  
  
Just as he was wondering whether he preferred to be grilled or fried, he was brought back to reality by the parting of Homura's face from his own. To his surprise, Homura looked somewhat disgusted, suspicious and dissatisfied, all at the same time. *The guy makes a move on me and HE'S the one who gets all offended?Hello, harassed god here....*  
  
Zenon's train of thought broke off as the reason for Homura's disgust came clear. The latter had lifted up his hand - and in it he clutched a blond wig.  
  
*Oh, crap.* Zenon attempted his most innocent smile. *Good thing we had those Smiling Is Caring sessions at the Kindergarten For Godlings."  
  
Unfortunately, as Zenon should have known, Homura was no fruitcake and the fighting god angrily threw the wig down, muttering obscenities as he stood up. Daze, Zenon watched his master perforn a clean sweep of the room before announcing, "Genjo Sanzo...he's not here."  
  
*Good statement of the obvious, boss.* "Uh...no, he's not."  
  
He wished he hadn't said anything, because Homura's eyes landed on him. "Do you know where he is?"  
  
"I....no." Then, as Homura advanced menacingly towards him, Zenon hastily added, "In town, maybe. One of the towns. Can't be too far."  
  
"Hmmph." Homura eyed him for a few seconds, then turned around, his cloak swishing perfectly behind him. "Genjo Sanzo....I won't rest until I find him," was all he said before vanishing.  
  
Before Zenon could even begin to comprehend what his master had meant by that statement, he was alerted by the sound of shifting rubble somewhere behind him.  
  
"Well, that was entertaining," Shien commented in an amused tone.  
  
"Yeah, so entertaining you had to hide behind rubble to witness it," Zeon snapped.  
  
"He really thought you were Sanzo, didn't he? He's gone off his rocker. Why is he looking for Sanzo?"  
  
That reminded Zenon of something. "There is another upside..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I never realized it before...but damn, that god can really kiss..."  
  
"What?!"  
  
* * * *  
  
"Damnit!" Sanzo cursed as he stumbled on the hem of his robes for the umpteenth time. He groped the back of the wall in the dark alley he had sought refuge in, trying to keep stable. He was sure someone had spiked his drink on purpose. It didn't seem like something Homura would have done, he wasn't that cheap. He was sure Kougaiji had better things to do too. *Why me? Why not the stupid monkey?*  
  
Wearily, Sanzo blinked and peered at the dirty wall in front of him. *Hmmm. The patterns there look like the frills on Shien's underwear.*  
  
Without realizing it, he let out a sharp, shrill giggle that resounded down the alley.  
  
Sanzo stopped, stunned. His face turned bright red, and he was thankful that he was alone. *Get a hold of yourself. You're on the verge of becoming drunk! Stop, damnit!*  
  
"Happy, aren't we?"  
  
Sanzo sucked in a breath of air. Even though his eyesight was bleary and he had a majoy headache, that didn't stop him from recognising that quiet, calm voice.  
  
Homura was standing ten feet away from him. 


	4. Neon Yellow Boxers, Demon Chicks and a T...

_**A/N**: We're sorry to disappoint all of you Sanzo/Homura and other pairings' supporters out there, but there will be **no** fixed pairing, since the continuity of this particular aspect has been shot to hell. You have been warned. Oh, and there is no lemon. As Hikaru might protest, "We're innocent!"   
(It's all right if you don't believe this. We don't either and we're saying it.)   
Oh, and we love all of you who have sent us reviews. Cheerio._

  
Sanzo stumbled against the brick wall behind him, blindly searching his robes for his gun. Homura took a step forward, only to be stopped by the hostile glare radiating from the monk's violet eyes. 

"Stay the hell away from me," Sanzo growled. He gripped the gun in his hands as tightly as he could, although his palms were more than slightly sweaty and his brains seemed to have been invaded by a thousand Gokus, all screaming in unison for pork buns. 

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Homura replied. His tone was quiet, but his hands had balled themselves into a pair of shaking fists. Through the hazy mist that was threatening to envelope Sanzo's mind, the monk barely noticed that the heretic god didn't look as composed as he usually was. In fact, his lips were twitching almost imperceptibly and his hair was slightly tousled. And his eyes... why did they hold such a strange expression? What was he intending to do? And where was the rest of his party anyway? 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sanzo was finding it harder and harder to stand, much less talk. His legs threatened to give way, and his grip on his pistol was loosening slowly. He was so busy trying to make his feet stay where they were that he didn't notice movement in front of him- 

"What the fu-" Sanzo let out a snarl, then a pained grunt escaped his lips as Homura slammed straight into him. Sanzo's back collided with the rough, uneven wall, his arms pinned to either side of him by an unearthly force. His mind whirling, Sanzo barely made out Homura's lean, lanky form pinning his figure against Sanzo's, causing them both to slide down to a sitting position against the wall. 

The last thing Sanzo saw before a hurricane ripped across the inner walls of his mind was a mad glint lighting up Homura's eyes, a sinister smirk etched on his face. He bent down next to Sanzo, his breath tickling the monk's ear. Then, as if from far away, Sanzo barely caught the god's whisper. 

"How do you feel about being at the bottom... Sanzo?" 

* * *

"All I'm saying is that Homura shouldn't be out loose in that state, when he's crazed and... monk-lusting." 

"He's not monk-lusting, he's _Sanzo_-lusting!" 

"Will you please get back to the subject at hand?!" Zenon snapped. He was now sitting on the windowsill, considering that it was about the only area of the room that hadn't been damaged. _We need a maid. A highly efficient one. Maybe that purple-haired chick that's always following Kougaiji's butt all the time-_

"Hey, Zenon, look what I found!" Shien's excited voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He lifted up a pair of horribly luminous neon yellow boxers that had chibi pictures of a suspiciously familiar-looking long-haired brunnete in a white lab coat. "I found it behind a chair," Shien went on excitedly. "Whose do you think it is? I mean, who would want _Tenpou_? 

Zenon was too dumbfounded to respond for a minute. His face turning extremely red, he snatched the boxers away from Shien. "These- these-" he sputtered. "These- are m-" he caught himself in time. "Somebody else probably left it here. _Now_ let's get _back_ to _Homura_!" 

Shien looked slightly put down, but nodded reluctantly. 

"First things first, we know that when that beam hit Homura's head, it triggered some sort of effect. He's technically lost his mind and for _some_ reason, he's thinking only of Sanzo. And he's gone to find him. So we need to find him, bring him back, and then..." Zenon's voice trailed off. And then what? 

"Have you heard of the reverse effect?" Shien said calmly. 

"Huh?" 

"Reversing a particular effect on a person by repeating the act that propelled them to their induced state in the first place." 

"..." 

"Do you follow?" 

"...no." 

"We have to boink him on the head again!" Shien translated, rolling his eyes. 

Zenon's expression cleared considerably. "Ah." Then he stared at Shien. "You know that won't be easy. How will you pull it off?" 

"We'll figure it out on the way. We need to find Homura first." Shien stood up and promptly vanished from the room. 

Zenon looked at the spot where Shien had been rather grumpily. "Tenpou's not _that_ dorky," he muttered to no one in particular before following Shien. 

* * *

At the same time, another party was searching for its missing leader in the streets of a nameless town. This had been largely unsuccessful so far, mainly because Goku and Gojyo insisted on arguing about each and every turn they should (or should not, as was the case) take. So far, they had actually managed to search one street. 

Hakkai sighed. Even the naturally good-natured, tolerant man was beginning to feel irritated. Those two, he decided, were unmanageble without the fear of a trigger-happy monk to keep them in line. He trailed behind the loudly arguing duo, wondering where on earth Sanzo had disappeared to and whether they would kill each other if given enough quality time together without Sanzo's supervision. 

Lost in thought, Hakkai didn't notice Hakuryu's squeaks until the dragon craned its neck to stare Hakkai in the face and started breathing smoke with an ominous glint to its ruby eyes. _That_ got his attention. He immediately stopped in his tracks. 

"What is it, Hakuryu?" he asked. The little dragon responded with a squeak and gestured 'behind you' with a little toss of its head. 

"Sanzo?" asked Hakkai hopefully. It wasn't the not-at-all-holy monk, however, but a certain purple-haired she-demon. She was walking down the road, peering into doorways and behind crates and carts with a rather distracted air. Hakkai brightened instantly. 

"Miss Yaone!" he called. Not only did he catch the she-demon's attention, but his companions actually stopped their bickering and came over to look. 

"Oh, it's you, Hakkai-san," said Yaone. "Have you seen Lilin? It's very important." 

"I'm afraid not, Miss Yaone," replied Hakkai. He always took pains to be extra polite with her. He struggled to stop his ever-present smile from turning into the bashful grin of a schoolboy attempting to strike up a conversation with his crush. 

"The little brat ran off again, eh?" asked Gojyo. "So what else is new?" 

Yaone paused, unsure how much to tell them. After all, the pill Lilin stole _was_ the result of one of those little top-secret experiments that Mistress Gyokumen Kousho habitually ordered. Yaone had no love for the fox demon but she _was_ the current leader, and Lilin's mother. Even Kougaiji, who actively resented her, deferred to the demon queen. "Actually, she took something-" 

There was an embarrassed-sounding clearing of throats behind the foursome. They turned to find Zenon and Shien. 

"You want to fight, right?" asked Goku eagerly, summoning his staff into his hands. 

"Um, actually, no," said Shien rather sheepishly. The four demons looked at each other. None of them could remember ever seeing a god act embarrased. "Have you seen Homura?" 

"Wouldn't you be the ones to know?" asked Goku curiously. 

"Not today." The two gods were becoming more and more uncomfortable. "Um, well, you see-" 

"Out with it already," said Gojyo impatiently. "We're in a hurry." 

The two gods looked at each other. "This is bad," muttered Shien. 

"Homura's gone bonkers," said Zenon. "He got hit on the head and now..." he trailed off uneasily, "...he seems to be Sanzo-lusting," finished Shien for him. 

There was a very uncomfortable silence as the four demons absorbed this. Goku and Yaone went pale red. Hakuryu let out a sound that was rather like a high-pitched snicker. 

"We think he's gone after Sanzo," said Zenon. "So..." 

"We don't know where Sanzo is either," said Hakkai worriedly. "He ran out of the inn half an hour ago... he looked and acted completely inebriated, but Sanzo's never _that_ drunk. 

"Then you should look for them, quickly," said Yaone with some concern. "The both of them out there in that condition... who knows what may happen?" 

There was another pause in which all present considered the possibilities. Gojyo shuddered violently. Being a pervert with a healthy imagination can have its downsides. 

Zenon seemed to notice the she-demon for the first time. "Let me guess," he said, pointing a finger at her. "Dr. Ni hypnotized Kougaiji while running his... 'tests' and your prince is running around spreading messages of love and peace. In a tutu." 

Goku stifled a fit of giggles. Yaone looked indigant. "Nothing of the sort!" she snapped. 

Zenon shrugged. "Well, with all the madness going around today, I wouldn't be surprised." 

"Actually, Lilin ran away again," Hakkai told the two gods. 

"What did she take?" asked Goku. 

"What?" Yaone asked back. 

"You said she took something. What was it?" 

"Um... she... something valuable. Yeah. Just something valuable." Yaone looked nervous. 

Zenon shifted his gun meaningly. "And just what was that valuabe object, young lady?" 

Yaone took a look at Zenon's face and decided it would be wise to tell them. "She stole a pill. Some sort of drug Dr. Ni created," she clarified. 

"What does it do, Yaone?" asked Zenon slowly in an almost threatening tone. 

Yaone shot a look at his gun and replied, "I think it's a hallucinogenic. If you took it, you will feel like you're drunk and having a hangover at the same time. And then you'll start seeing things. Parades of pink elephants, shadowy monsters, things like that." 

"You seem to know a lot about it," noted Hakkai. 

"Dr. Huang slipped it into our food once to test it," said Yaone darkly. "Mistress Gyokumen Kousho loved the effect." 

"Like having a hangover and being drunk at the same time..." mused Goku. "I wonder what that would be like... like... _**Sanzo**_!" he exclaimed suddenly. "Remember? Sanzo was acting sort of like that!" 

"Hey, yeah," said Gojyo slowly. "But we didn't see the kid..." 

"Yaone! Did you chase Lilin anywhere near the inn?" asked Hakkai urgently, gripping the she-demon's shoulders. 

"Over it, actually," she replied. Her eyes widened. "Oh, no..." 

"Oh, yes," said Shien dryly. "Looks like Sanzo's been drugged." 

"Well, now we _really_ have to find Sanzo!" said Goku earnestly. 

"And an unstable Homura with a througly drugged Sanzo... we have to get Homura back to normal. Quickly," said Shien. "If we have to drop an elephant on his head to do it." 

"Well, how about this?" asked Yaone. "All of you can cooperate to look for Homura and Sanzo. I will find you the antidote... if you also help me find Lilin." 

"Well... I suppose that's the best course of action," conceded Zenon. "Truce?" he asked, holding out hand. 

"We don't have much choice. Truce," said Gojyo, shaking it. 

"And no stealing each others' Sutras," said Hakkai quickly. 

"No stealing each others' Sutras," agreed Zenon. 

"What about you, Miss Yaone?" asked Hakkai. 

"I agree too," said Yaone. "Truce. Until all this is over, I suppose." 

The six nodded at each other and split up, Sanzo's party and the gods going to search the town, and Yaone to Houtou Castle. 


	5. When Homura Takes Up Reading and Writing

**Title:** Boinked!  
**Chapter:** 5/?  
**Authoresses**: The Three Dimensions  
**Genre:** Yaoi (Wait! I only write shounen-ai! Tasukete~!), (attempted) Humour (only on my part), General, Romance (gone-wrong), lemon-free (I don't write those kind of things!)  
Warnings: Nonsensical stuff, OOC-ness, haphazard storyline, my poor English, etc.  
**DISCLAIMER:** We do not own Saiyuki - but once we succeed in taking over the world…… *evil laughter*  
  
Hikaru's Notes: Howdy, folks! This is your friendly neighbourhood authoress, the second of The Three Dimensions, Hikaru R. Kudou! I have to apologize immensely for the (extremely) late update, but I've been too caught up in school (I'm serious! Ask them! *points to Avarice and Solarwind*)  
So, on with the story!  
  
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-  
  
Homura was over the blond monk, his hands caressing Sanzo's thick locks. "Sanzo, no…Konzen… All mine…"

Sanzo hiccupped. His vision was still blurry. He stared blankly at Homura. "Pretty."

"So are you."

"I know."

+ + +

"Kyuuu!!!"

Hakkai, somewhat nervous, smiled guiltily. "Just hang on. Only a little bit more."

"Come on, Hakuryu! You can do it!" Gojyo joined in. "Push! PUSH!"

Goku, his mouth full of buns, squeezed his words out. "Ah? Since when is Hakuryu pregnant?"

Shien raised an eyebrow. "You mean Hakuryu is a female dragon?"

"Kyuuu!!!!!!!" A small spark of fire was emitted from among the bushes the dragon was in.

"Oi! Crazy lizard! Do you want to burn the whole forest down?"

"Kyuuu!" Came another flame.

"My hair!"

"Gojyo!"

Shien, Zenon and Goku were standing a good five metres away from the bulky bushes. They were on their way searching for Homura and Sanzo when Hakuryu had to stop because of an 'emergency'.

"I can't believe we have to wait for that dragon to do its business!" remarked Zenon.

"I can't believe those two are actually accompanying the dragon to empty its bowels," added Shien.

"It's perfectly understandable, though. The dragon did eat a little too much in that last restaurant."

"Of course, the amount of food that dragon consumed was nothing compared to that of Son Goku's." Shien glanced at him.

"Wow! Lamb chop!" exclaimed Goku. "We should do take-aways often!"

"Hakuryu! You can't give up now! Just a little bit more!" Hakkai was saying.

"Damn you, Hakuryu! What have you done to my hair!?"

"Gojyo, calm down. There's not much damage done."

"Kyuuu! Kyuuu!!!!"

"Gojyo, I don't think strangling Hakuryu will be of any use to him."

"Whoa! Tofu!" Goku's eyes were shining.

Zenon made a face. "Yuck."

Shien's face was rather pale. "Hopefully Gojyo's hair is all right."

"Tch. I'm more worried about your credit card. You spent a huge sum of money in that restaurant. I never knew you're a millionaire."

"For Gojyo, I'm willing to do anything."

"I know…but Son Goku's the one who's eating all the food. Gojyo only had a drink of beer, that's all."

+ + +

"Konzen…"

"Homura…"

"Konzen…"

"Homura…"

"Konzen…"

"Homura…"

"Goku—eh?"

"Rinrei—I mean, Konzen…"  
"So this is how it feels to be at the bottom…"

"Before we really get serious, there's something I want to give you."

"Really? You're so thoughtful…"

"To prove my undying love for you…"

"I hope it's not cigarettes. You know they're bad for your health."

"Konzen, you're so funny…"

"So what's in store for me?"

+ + +

"Hey, come on! What's taking you so long?" demanded Zenon. "It has been ages! We're wasting time!"

"Oi! Will you please shut up!?" Came Gojyo's thundering roar from the bushes. "This oversized lizard is giving me enough trouble already!"

"Wai! Fried noodles with roasted duck!" interjected Goku.

"That's nice…" mumbled Shien. 'My salary for the next 500 years - up in smoke…'

Zenon stomped his food in impatience. "Are you DONE!?"

"Not yet. ?@$?@#^!!"

"WHAT did you call me? Shien! Look at him!" Zenon was furiously shaking his finger in Gojyo's direction. "This-uncivilized, horny ?@$?@#^!!!"

"Nan dato????"

Shien paused briefly. "Zenon, stop it."

Zenon was clearly frustrated. "Just because you're—"

"Zenon!"

"Ah, ah-" Hakkai had appeared behind Zenon. "Thank you for waiting-"

Zenon turned abruptly. Trying to hide his blush, he looked at everything except Hakkai's face. "Well, err, no problem at all—"

Smiling, "Thank you."

Zenon finally got the courage to look straight into Hakkai's eyes. Hakkai's breathtaking, crystal clear, enthralling eyes. "Like I said, no problem."

"Oh." Hakkai moved his face closer to Zenon's. "Are you all right? Your face is a bit-red."

_'$^@#! He saw it! I gotta stop using that face whitening cream!'_

"Are you sick?"

"Ah, iie…I'm fine." Zenon pulled his face away rather reluctantly. "Let's get going. We have to find them as soon as possible, and not forgetting that little she-demon brat."

"You're right," Hakkai agreed. "Hakuryu, let's not scratch Gojyo anymore."

"&*^$!" Gojyo yelled.

+ + + 

Genjo Sanzo was reduced to a helpless drunkard as the intoxicating poison began to take its full effect. His vision was constantly changing - from a shirtless Goku to Homura in leather - that he did not know what was happening in reality. Then again, even if he was awake, the sudden numbness which overtook him left him inanimate.

However, since he was inebriated, he went along with Homura's actions. And yes, he was enjoying it. Besides, with that (illusive) whip in Homura's hand, Sanzo knew better than to refuse.

Homura drowned his face in Sanzo's golden sea of tresses that Sanzo found himself breathing on Homura's neck. Their hands were entwined together in an unyielding lock. Sanzo could feel Homura' weight on him.

"Heavy…"

"I lost 10kg just two days ago. I have to look good in front of my love."

Similarly, Homura was undergoing a variable illusion. One moment it was Sanzo, the next second it was Rinrei. After that it was some kind of a fusion between Rinrei and Sanzo.  
Scary, ain't it?

"Homura…"

"Konzen…"

"Give it to me."

"Give what?"

"You know what I mean. I want it bad."

"You mean-" At this point there was a perverse glint dancing in his eyes. His lips curved into a smile-a mischievous, wicked smile.

"The present?"

"Oh, that." Homura straightened and removed himself from on top of Sanzo. "I practised day and night to get it right."

"Are you going to sing?" Sanzo saw Homura onstage, with a medley of spotlights illuminating his lean figure, clad in a trendy leather coat. His fingers were strumming an electric guitar. Zenon was behind the drums whilst Shien the keyboard.

"No, honey bums. Its title is - Ode to a Corrupt Monk."

"Ooh, Shakespeare."

"I wrote it myself. I didn't ask him for help. Now listen!"

_Oh, my monk!  
Your hair is like a map of golden fibres  
spun from straw  
Your eyes like…like grapes fitted into your sockets  
Oh, how I love it when you step into the battlefield  
In those disturbingly attractive black socks  
And those equally enchanting sandals  
That turn a perfect 45 degrees when you counter attack  
  
I would face the most powerful gods  
Or donate my cloak to Kougaiji (he needs one)  
Or let my beautiful face suffer a punch  
or even (gasp!) baby-sit Goku for a week  
Just to see you point your Wesson & Smith at me  
and shoot sparks of eternal love  
into my eager heart.  
  
Oh, my monk!  
What wouldn't I give for a vision of you?  
Your robes billowing like sensual curtains in the wind  
And your black vinyl top.so plastic,  
So biodegradable!  
  
_

A gust of wind flew past them before Sanzo finally spoke. "Bio-what?"

"Biodegradable. It means-" Homura took a pocket dictionary out from his pocket, _Dictionary for Dummy Deities_. "Able to be decomposed by bacteria."

"Sou ka? That's good. I was wondering what to do with it once I decide to alter my fashion sense."

"No, love. I like you the way you are."

"But I look good in everything-save perhaps, a wedding gown."

"Yes, sweet pie, but you look better in nothing at all."

"Homura no hentai."

[tsuzuku]

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-   
  
Authoresses' Notes:  
_Hikaru__:_ Oh my God…I did not write this chapter.  
_Solarwind__: _On the contrary, you did. But the ode featured in this chapter was done by Avarice herself.  
_Avarice:_ As you can see, Hikaru R. Kudou is not that innocent after all.  
_Hikaru__:_ Sonna! I thought you're my friend, Rice-chan.  
_Solarwind__:_ Here we go again.  
_Avarice: _Rice-CHAN???  
_Hikaru__:_ But I'm innocent!  
_Solarwind__:_ Not anymore.  
_Avarice:_ RICE-chan?!?  
_Hikaru__: _Now that this chapter is done, we must bid you farewell!  
_Solarwind__:_ Thank you for reading! Please leave us a review!  
_Avarice:_ RICE-CHAN!!!???


	6. Hair: The Old Bishounen Obsession

Disclaimer: We don't own Saiyuki. Good thing too, look at this 'fic... 

Warning: Not for the faint-hearted. Nonsense humor, mild to severe OOCness, haphazard storyline, lack of continuity, more implied pairings than you've ever wanted to see in a single 'fic. 

Now that's out of the way, on with the show... 

  
****** 

  
For the sake of maintaining the reader's sanity (and Hikaru's much-protested innocence), we shall now take a look at what's happening in Houtou Castle... 

  
Yaone nervously tapped her fingers on the table. "Where _is_ Kougaiji-sama?" 

"Kou?" asked Dokugaiji with an air of faked innocence. "He _wasn't_ here before you came in. Nope. Not at all." 

"Really? I wonder where he could be..." 

Dokugaiji peered out the window, searching for the demon prince. 

  
>>Flashback  
"Mmm... delicious..." 

"You think so, Doku?" Kougaiji almost purred. "Hrm... you have such good taste..." 

"Darling Kou, you really know how to make a demon feel 'bad'..." 

"You think so? Then I don't think I need this voucher anymore..." 

"The one Nii gave you?" 

"Doku, stop nibbling!" 

"Right. I'll just take a big bite." 

"Atta-demon. Much better." 

"What're you going to do with that voucher?" 

"Do you think my hair needs primping? I find it less shiny than before... heck, less shiny than Yaone's..." 

"No way..." 

"Maybe I should, you know. You wouldn't want your boyfriend to look ugly, would you?" 

"No, Kou. It's just that I believe you're already perfect." 

"Even in that ballerina's tutu...?" 

Doku developed a nosebleed. "Even in that tutu. Come here, let me give you a-" 

In that moment the door opened, and Kougaiji instantly jumped out the window. Frantic, Doku sat up and stuck his head out of the window. His lover was nowhere in sight. 

"Doku-san," Yaone greeted him. 

"Y-Yaone..." Doku sighed. _'Why didn't I lock the door? Being shocked no less than once per hour is bad for my heart...'_

"Who were you talking to?" 

"Huh?" Doku faked innocence. 

"You were saying you wanted to give someone something...?" 

"Oh, erm, I wanted to give you, uh..." _'No, not my teddy bear... damn, what **can** I give her?'_

Yaone noticed the plate of chocolate-chip cookies on the table. "Ah, wakatta!" 

"What?" _'That Kou was here? Alone with me? That we were...'_

"These cookies..." Yaone's face darkened. 

"Er... what about them?" 

"You want to give them to me, right?" 

_'#@^/!! Those cookies are all mine! Kou made them for me, and only ME!'_

"Thank you, Doku-san. You're so thoughtful," said Yaone as she bit into a cookie. 

Doku's eyes bulged. _'NOOOOO!!! MY COOKIE!!! KOU'S COOKIE! OUR COOKIE!!!'_

"They're delicious. And cute, too. They're all heart-shaped... how adorable..." 

Doku was almost crying. _'No, stop... the pain is too much... yamette...'_

"...and the number of chocolate chips in each cookie is the same... amazing..." 

_'Hopeless... Kou, forgive me, for I am too weak... to vulnerable to protect our love, to even save your Chocolate Chip Cookies of Love from being ravished, murdered...'_

"Doku-san, the next time you buy these cookies, do remember to order some for me..." 

_'If Kou ever decides to make them again... NO! Stay away from Kou's LOVE COOKIES!'_

"I hope you won't mind my finishing them..." said Yaone, munching on yet another cookie, oblivious to the torment suffered behind her back. 

_'AAAAARGHHH!!! The agony, the agony!'_

  
>>End Flashback  
"So why are you here, Yaone?" asked Doku after he had recovered. 

"I'm still looking for Lirin-sama," explained Yaone. "I'm so worried; what if something happens to her? I mean, what would happen if she met a fire-breathing dragon?" 

  
~~~ 

  
Elsewhere... 

"You! Big fat ugly dragon!" Lirin pointed a masterful finger at its scaly green face. "How dare you eat my chicken buns?" 

The dragon snorted. _'Like hell I care...'_

"You shall pay for your crimes! I summon the dark powers of the Netherworld, give me the power to preserve all edibles on Tougenkyou and punish those who are more evil than my 'kaa-san! Demon Princess Power..." 

The dragon blinked once, then blinked again. _'Oh, great. I'm face-to-face with a Sailor Moon wannabe. Wonder who's Tuxedo Mask...'_

"_LIRIN KICK!_" The little demon's right foot flew out of the blue and hit the dragon squarely on its jaw. The dragon fell backwards, its eyes swirly. 

_'Damn, no transformation sequence...'_

  
~~~ 

  
Doku waved a careless hand. "I'd be more worried about the dragon." 

Yaone considered this a second. "..._I_'d be more worried about the landscape." 

Just then, a distant, deep _BOOM_ rattled the windows, rearranged the various objects on Doku's shelves and shook the two demons out of their seats and onto the floor. 

"What in-" 

  
~~~ 

  
"INFINITE EXPLODING ROUND OBJECTS OF DOOM! _HYAAAA!!!_" 

  
~~~ 

  
_BOOM._

Houtou Castle rocked on its ancient foundations yet again, as with every building in a hundred-mile radius. 

Yaone and Dokugaiji stared out the window at the gray plume of smoke and dust rising above the distant mountains. A peak crumbled away in disturbing silence. Then they turned to stare at each other. 

"...Nah..." 

  
~~~ 

  
Hakkai brought the jeep to a stop once they reached the street. "Is this the place?" 

Gojyo nodded. 

"Tell me again why we are here," demanded Zenon. 

"Gojyo's hair. He insisted on having his hair... er, repaired... before we continue our search," replied Shien. He stared after Gojyo as he entered a hair salon. 

"Why don't we go inside as well?" suggested Hakkai. 

"Ne, Hakkai," Goku called. "I smell buns. Can I-" 

"But, Goku, we have no money." 

"Hakkai~!" wailed Goku, his eyes tearing over. 

Hakkai sighed guiltily. Zenon felt so sorry for him that he spoke up. 

"You know, I - er - have my credit card..." 

Goku brightened up on the pot. "Hontou ni? Wow!" 

Hakkai smiled at Zenon. "Daijoubu desu ka? I don't want to trouble you..." 

"Iie, it's okay." _What have I gotten myself into?_

"Let's go!" Goku tugged Zenon's hand, pulling him away from Hakkai. "This way!" 

"Oi, you're not coming?" 

Hakkai waved at them cheerfully. "No, I have to check on Hakuryuu and Gojyo. Have fun, you guys!" 

_K'so! Me and my big mouth!_

  
~~~ 

  
Gojyo took a seat while waiting for a hairdresser to work on his hair. Feeling somewhat bored, he grabbed a nearby magazine. As he reached out for the glossy publication, he glimpsed the person next to him. Unable to see his (yes, Gojyo was certain it was a 'he', ladies with clearly noticeable muscles being a nonexistent breed on this world) face, since the fellow's hairdresser was blocking his view, Gojyo focused on the magazine. 

"Tch, I've read this one already," Gojyo tossed it back onto the pile. "Don't you have anything else to read here?" 

"Afraid not, mister," answered the hairdresser. "All the latest ecchi and hentai magazines are taken." 

"Is this what you call service?!" 

"There are newspapers, mister." 

"Papers? I don't read no newspapers. The last thing I need is to take up Sanzo's reading habits." In the end, the pink-haired half-demon browsed through the newspaper all the same. 

Gojyo's hairdresser applied all sorts of conditioners, moisturizers, serums and other unidentified furtilizing objects. That done, he wrapped Gojyo's hair in a towel. 

"Man, it's really hot here," Gojyo complained. "I'm sweating buckets." 

If you're wondering what Shien was up to, the god was busy swallowing his drool. With Gojyo's flushed cheeks due to the heat, Shien was having a hard time. 

Gojyo's hairdresser left him, and so the half-demon continued his reading. Noticing his anonymous neighbour was alone as well, Gojyo attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 

"Have you heard?" he began. "'Sacks of coffee beans reported missing'? 'Canned coffee drinks vanish into thin air'? 'Authorities baffled over stolen coffee'? Why would _anyone_ want to steal coffee?" 

"A crazed coffee addict, no doubt," replied the neighbour. 

_Hey, that voice sounds familiar... _

Where have I heard that voice before...? 

Gojyo pondered this awhile. Finally he ventured a question, "Do I know you?" 

The fellow tore his eye covers away, and Gojyo found himself staring straight at Kougaiji - complete with a towel wrapped snugly around his head - and his nails ...buffed? 

"What the ^@#% are you doing here?!" they both cried in surprise. 

  
~~~ 

  
"Thank you very much!" said the bun vendor, bowing. "Please come again!" 

"Hai! Thank you!" Goku bowed as well. He dug his hand into the incredibly huge brown paper bag he carried for a bun. "Itadakimasu!" 

Zenon looked miserably at his credit card. 

  
~~~ 

  
"If you think I'm going to let you go today-" began Kougaiji. 

"-like any other day?" chipped in Gojyo with obvious amusement. 

"You're right," Kougaiji sank back into his chair. "I can't fight with my hair like this." 

"Likewise," grinned Gojyo. "Robs us of the real excitement, eh? We have to look good during our fights." 

"Yeah, with me being a prince and all - I can't disappoint my fangirls." 

"Dokugaiji, you mean." 

"Damn, is it _that_ obvious?" 

Gojyo blinked. "...Does that mean you'll be my brother-in-law soon?" 

"Oh, your sister is getting married? I love weddings!" interjected a high-pitched voice, sounding horribly of sunshine, flowers and a bluebird or two for good measure. 

Gojyo was going to snap irritably at the source of the voice until he discovered that she was a lovely young hairdresser, with more than ample... assets. She chattered irritatingly to him while she did his hair, rinsing it of the goop left in to soak, trimming split ends and blowing dry his long, pink hair, but Gojyo didn't hear a word, lost as he was in his ...admiration... of the young woman's ...upper chest. 

Kougaiji attempted to continue their conversation several times, or at least correct the hairdresser's misconceptions, but was roundly ignored. He gave up in disgust, slipped his eye-covers back on and went back to his nap. 

  
~~~ 

  
The first thing Shien noticed when Gojyo finally stepped out of the salon was his hair. He had always admired the half-demon's hair, long, straight locks of deep pink spilling over his headband and onto his shoulders. After the salon treatment, Gojyo's hair was nothing less than breathtakingly beautiful, the kind of beauty that inspired poets and launched warships and made those with a jealous streak turn a lovely shade of viridian. Or, at least, so thought one particular deity. _Oh, Gojyo, your hair is as smooth as the finest silk, as soft as gossamer, as shimmering as sunlight in a pool, as pink as Rinrei's favourite curtains - wait, that's not quite right..._

However, before Shien could give voice to his starry-eyed admiration, someone else beat him to it. 

"You look good, Gojyo." 

Gojyo smiled. "Glad you think so, Hakkai." 

"I think your hair looks fantastic too, Gojyo," Shien mumbled. Gojyo apparently didn't hear him, because he strode right past the god and swung himself into one of Hakuryuu's seats, next to Hakkai, who was, as always, driving. Shien deflated. 

"Shall we leave?" asked Gojyo, hooking an arm around Hakkai's shoulders. He threw a glance at Zenon, who was red and shaking. 

"About time," Hakkai smiled at him. 

Shien broke down. His sobs snapped Zenon out of his jealous near-rage. He shook his head at his weeping colleague, sighed, lifted him by the collar and dumped him into the back of Jeep-Hakuryuu before hopping in himself. Hakkai revved up the dragon-turned-jeep. 

"What's wrong with him?" asked Goku, pausing with his last bun halfway to his mouth. 

Zenon shrugged. "I think he's had his heart broken." 

Goku, who had more brains than he was normally credited for, looked at Shien, then at Gojyo, then at Hakkai, then back at Shien, and decided he really didn't want to know. He shrugged and took a bite out of the fluffy white bread. 

  
~~~ 

  
"Damn it all!" cried Gojyo. "Where the heck is Sanzo?" 

"Sanzo!" Goku called. "Sanzo! Doku wa?" 

"Gojyo... Hakkai stopped Hakuryuu. "Let me see that map. Thank you." 

"No problem at all." Gojyo grinned at Hakkai, successfully making Zenon, green with envy, glower. 

"Oh, dear... Gojyo, where did you get this map?" 

"Bought it from that scruffy-looking guy in the last town. Got a good deal for it too. A lucky thing since we're short of cash." 

"Gojyo, this is a map of Japan." 

"It is? Where is this... Japan?" 

"...A few dimensions in that direction." 

"...Oh." 

Zenon was exasperated. "Great! For once, we're lost because we _are_ using a map. No wonder you got voted as 'Most Bumbling Half-Demon' ten years straight!" 

"I _WHAT_?!" Gojyo turned around. "Repeat that, Zenon." The unsaid _if you dare_ hung in the air like the smell of Homura's unwashed socks. 

"You were the most bumbling half-demon for ten years straight," said Zenon boldly. 

Hakkai put a calming hand on Gojyo's shoulder. "Relax, Gojyo, relax, they _are_ gods, you know..." 

"_Whatever!_" 

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Zenon countered. 

"Damnit, Zenon, if you're hitching a ride just to annoy the hell out of me-" 

"Actually, no," murmured Shien. 

"Eh?" 

"It's not as if I enjoy being anywhere near you!" yelled Zenon, bent on continuing the argument. "If I were Shien, on the other hand-" 

"It's because of this," interjected Shien, handing a note to Gojyo, deliberately brushing their hands together in the process. Gojyo merely gave him an odd look, overlooking Shien's graze and read the paper. 

  
_To Shien and Zenon,   
You have exceeded your weekly limit for our Dissolve-n-Transport service. You will only continue to enjoy our service seven days after this notice is issued.   
Thank you.   
The Management, Heaven Teleportation Services_

  
"You gods have a limit on that fade away thing?" asked Gojyo, shocked. 

Shien shrugged. "It's a cruel Heaven." 

"Gee, what else is there about Heaven that I don't know?" asked Gojyo sarcastically. 

"Homura calls Rinrei's name 179359374 times daily." 

"Not today, though," grimaced Zenon. "Today, it's been Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. That is one thing I'll never get used to." 

"You'll have to if we don't find them soon," said Hakkai. 

"Ne, Hakkai... what's Homura going to do to Sanzo? It isn't... anything bad, is it?" asked Goku, concerned. 

"Well... nobody knows. That's why we have to find out for ourselves." 

"Na, Hakkai..." 

"What is it?" Hakkai started Hakuryuu's engine. 

"Turn right." 

"Eh? Can you smell him?" asked Zenon. 

"Yeah, and the ketchup I spilled on him too." 

"Damn it, gaki! Why didn't you say so earlier? You could have saved us so much time!" 

"He was eating, remember?" said Gojyo. "Everything escapes him when he eats." 

  
~~~ 

  
"Homura... your hair is like a moonless night, deprived of the puny stars..." 

"Konzen... you smell of a rich, luxurious, tempting ketchup..." 

"And your warmth... enough to light my cigarette on a cold night..." 

"Your paper fan strikes fear into my heart should I fail to bring you pleasure..." 

All these lines, amazingly enough, were spouted without the benefit of guidance from Homura's copy of Romantic Poetry and Prose for Slow Learners. 

"I shall now bring two fates together - yours and mine," whispered Homura. 

"Homura..." 

Homura unfastened one end of his manacles then transferred it onto Sanzo's wrist. That done, Homura bent over Sanzo to fully assault his lips. 

It was at that very moment when a familiar jeep burst through the bushes, then came to a complete, screeching halt, without the benefit of its driver's interference. He, and all his passengers, gawked at the sight of Homura Taishi kissing Genjo Sanzo. 

"What the @^&!?" exclaimed Gojyo. 

_Maybe I should get some of that drug for Gojyo,_ thought Shien. 

"Goku, you shouldn't see this..." said Hakkai, promptly placing his hands over Goku's eyes. 

"Homura... he... he did it to Sanzo..." mumbled Goku, stupefied. 

"I don't think they've-" started Hakkai. 

"Does that mean Sanzo doesn't love me anymore?" wailed Goku. 

"What have I done?" moaned Shien. 

  
****** 

  
Author's Notes: Chapter written by Hikaru. Typing (and gratuitous editing) by Solarwind. _Never_ let me type in the middle of the night again, people.   
As a side note, The Author Formerly Known As Bad Faith And Evanescence is now calling herself Avarice Riot. Just so you know. 


	7. Yaone: Lab Raider

Disclaimer: While we would dearly love to own Saiyuki (and the world's supply of coffee), we don't. Unfortunately, all we own are our respective demented imaginations. 

Warning: Contains OOC-ness, no-longer-implied shounen-ai, rampant continuity errors, a haphazard storyline, ridiculous situations and nonsense that tries to pass itself off as humor. You have been warned, so don't blame us for mental and emotional trauma. 

  
*~*~*~*~*~* 

  
Yaone sighed and shifted in her seat. She had done precisely nothing but wait for Kougaiji to show up for the past two hours, and really, it was getting kind of repetitive. She had much better things to do than wait for the demon prince to show up, but she needed his help. And so, she waited yet again. 

Opposite her, Dokugaiji fidgeted in his chair. He was still not quite over her consuming of all of Kou's Love Cookies- no, their Love Cookies - so much so that having her in his room was utter torment. He had no choice in the matter, however, since Yaone was looking for Kougaiji on 'urgent business', she had said - he heartily concurred after hearing her story - and he hadn't the faintest idea where his loverboy had vanished to. Yaone seemed to have decided that his room was as good as any to wait for the demon prince in, and Doku simply didn't have the heart to throw her out. 

"I thought you said Kougaiji-sama will be back soon," grumbled Yaone. 

"No, I said I thought he'd be back soon," responded Dokugaiji. "That's an entirely different thing. If I said, 'He'll be back soon,' I'd mean that he either really will be back soon, or has told me that he will be back soon, but I said, 'I think he'll be back soon,' which means-" 

"All right, all right," sighed Yaone, sliding off Doku's sofa. "Never mind, Doku-san. I think I'll have to do it on my own." 

Dokugaiji's eyes went wide. "You can't be serious." 

"I am. I'm afraid I've wasted enough time already, Doku-san. Thanks for waiting with me," Yaone said with a little bow. 

"But..." Dokugaiji protested at Yaone's retreating back. "Then at least be careful!" he shouted at her before the door closed. Dokugaiji dropped his head into his hands. He was still mad at her for devouring the cookies, but still... no one, _no one_, deserved to be on the receiving end of the devilish punishment the two mad scientists had for anyone who dared violate the sanctum of their laboratory. Or did they? After all, a person who would dare rob a demon of his Love Cookies should be punished... but Yaone was his friend... still, the creaminess of the chocolate... the crispness of the biscuit... the _love_ that infused every bite... 

Kougaiji walked in barely half a minute later. 

"Kou!" wailed Doku, throwing himself into the demon prince's arms. Since he was considerably larger, this resulted in the both of them crashing to the floor. "I... I'm sorry, my beloved! I... I let someone else eat your Love Cookies!" he sobbed, clinging to the lapels of Kougaiji's jacket. 

"It's okay, it's okay," soothed Kougaiji, patting the other demon on the back. "Don't worry. I'll bake you some more. There's still flour and chocolate chips in the kitchens-" 

"Thank you, Kou," sniffed Doku, wiping away his tears. "But I'm afraid that's going to have to wait..." 

  
*** 

  
Elsewhere, a pair of slightly crazed ...lovers... were oblivious to their audience, wrapped up in each other as they were. 

"I am not seeing this," moaned Zenon, holding his head in his hands. "I am _not_ seeing this. I am not _hearing_ this either." 

"My eternal sunshine, let us retire to the bower of passion..." 

"Pseudo-Shakespeare is disturbing, isn't it?" commented Shien. 

"With haste, my raven, lest my heart overflow with longing like a clogged sink..." 

Two demons, two gods and a half-kappa shuddered as one. Gojyo looked mildly nauseated. "Disturbing, nothing. If you hear creaks, those are the dead poets of the world rolling over in their graves. I mean, even _Goku_ knows this is bad. " 

"Thy tender words touch my heart, my sunflower in a patch of weeds. I shall not prove unworthy of thy..." 

"I don't know who looks more ridiculous, those two or _those_ two," remarked Shien, staring at Hakkai and Goku. In an attempt to distract either or both the drugged monk or the crazed god, so that they could be safely separated and restrained, they resorted to the kind of attention-seeking tactics that Zenon had used during the truth-or-dare session that ended in disaster. They yelled, jumped, waved their arms, made complete fools of themselves, and were roundly ignored by the manacled pair. 

As a side note, Hakkai looked scary in Rinrei's clothes. By general consent, this was not mentioned to him. 

"Sanzo... please look at me..." pleaded Goku, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. Drops turned into a steady stream, and then a flowing river, when Sanzo, oblivious to the outside world, placed a caressing hand on Homura's cheek and kissed him passionately. 

  
*** 

  
Yaone cautiously peered around the door of the laboratory. Satisfied that the room was devoid of occupants - besides Kougaiji's mom, who floated in a tubular tank - Yaone took a cautious step in and then looked suspiciously at the stacks of research papers, floor-to-ceiling electronic devices with no clear purpose, and tangles of wire and tubing that strung around the room like a mad scientist's idea of party streamers. Nothing seemed to have changed. Yaone heaved a sigh of relief - it _always_ paid to be careful if you didn't want to be the next research specimen - and then took another step. 

_BEEP._

A light on a huge, computer-like device switched from blue to orange. Yaone froze. 

The front of the device fell to the floor with a slam, revealing a cage full of red-eyed, razor-toothed, snarling creatures. The cage door slid open with a hiss. 

Yaone leapt onto a desk as a mass of ferocious rabid bunnies surged towards her. 

_What kind of sick, perverse person_, wondered Yaone, _would twist **rabbits** into killing machines?_

She took a flying leap onto the nearest stack of papers, and then hopped lightly to the next pile as it began to slide, then jumped to the next, as it, too, began to shift under her feet. She leapt from one stack of papers to the next easily, like a cat, gaining momentum easily, so that her feet left each stack even before it started slipping under her feet. Unfortunately, she was in mid-air by the time she realized that there were no more stacks left. 

  
*** 

  
Kougaiji found Dr. Nii opening the door of his lab. 

"Ah, Kougaiji-sama!" greeted Dr. Nii nervously, spinning around to look at Kougaiji, hand still on doorknob. Kougaiji was immediately on alert. _Something_ was definitely up if Nii looked flustered. He hoped it wasn't Yaone. 

"What's going on, Dr. Nii?" asked Kougaiji, trying to keep his tone conversational. 

"I... well... that is..." stammered Dr. Nii, then pulled himself together with visible effort. "This is not the best time, Kougaiji-sama," stated Nii. "We seem to have an intruder." His voice was calm, but Kougaiji noted his white-knuckled grip on his little stuffed rabbit. 

"An intruder?" Kougaiji asked flatly. There was no point pretending to be shocked, since the lab's oversensitive alarms went off at least once a week. "What is it this time? A rat like last time? Or the time before that? Or the time before _that_? Or the time you nearly burnt down your laboratory and my mother's body with it?" 

"We didn't know they'd trigger a short-circuit and set our papers alight!" protested Nii. "Besides, it was a _gecko_ that set them off, not a rat!" Nii realized that that was the wrong thing to say when Kougaiji gave him a less-than-impressed look. 

Fortunately for him, Dokugaiji wandered up at that point. "What's happening, Kou?" he asked with forced nonchalance. Dr. Nii eyed him suspiciously, and then turned his gaze on Kougaiji, who was starting to look strained. 

"Dr. Nii says that the intruder detection system went off. Again," added the demon prince, to ward off any thoughts of overacted surprise from his companion. 

"Ah. So let me take a look then," said Doku with unnatural cheerfulness. Dr. Nii was starting to wonder whether any of that drug had gotten into the water supply again. He pushed past Nii and opened the door, standing in the doorway to block the scientist's view. 

Dokugaiji's eyes bugged out. First, he saw papers knee-deep on the floor. Then, he saw Yaone take a flying leap off the only remaining stack of paper. Then, he witnessed her brief moment of panic, then watched as she grabbed onto a hanging mass of wires, and sighed with relief when the wires proved to hold her weight. Then he noticed the snarling, snapping mob leaping for her legs. They looked like - _...no, they couldn't be..._ thought Doku as he leaned in and squinted slightly - cute, cuddly widdle bunnies. 

_They aren't_, realized Dokugaiji. These had eyes that glowed like hot coals, and razor-sharp incisors. They frothed at the mouth. They had claws longer than Kougaiji's nails. They looked, if you'll excuse the usage of the term, demonic. One turned to look at the demon filling the doorway. Doku shuddered when he looked at its demented, beady eyes. Luckily, it decided that Yaone's heels, which were now stepping lightly along the network of wires, would make a tastier meal. These weren't cute, and certainly not cuddly. These were _evil_ rabbits, not innocent, fluffy bunny rabbits. 

Doku watched Yaone's progress, mouth agape, ignoring Dr. Nii's protests and attempts to look around his wide shoulders, and Kougaiji's attempts to look over aforementioned shoulders. He finally turned around and attempted to breathe normally when Yaone escaped into a storeroom, slamming the door against the onslaught of fuzzy death. 

"What was that sound?" demanded Dr. Nii. Dokugaiji turned around. 

"I think you'd better contain your pets, doctor," said Doku, pointing at the mass of rabbits that had proceeded to chew through years' worth of reports for fun once their prey had escaped. 

"My reports!" wailed Dr. Nii. "Please, Kougaiji-sama, help me catch these little monsters!" pleaded Nii, rushing to wrest a piece of paper from the mouth of a rabbit. It glared balefully at him, then leapt for his jugular. "_Aiiieeeee!_" 

Kou and Doku sighed and waded into the fray. "Here, rabbit... nice rabbit... nice rabbit... nice -_yeow!_ - rabbit... " 

  
*** 

  
Yaone leaned against the door, gasping for breath. She nearly sagged to the floor of the storeroom with relief when she heard Dr. Nii's wail, since it meant that the bunnies of doom would be busy with something else for a while. She should be sympathetic to anyone stuck in a room with those little monstrosities... but this was Dr. Nii, who had undoubtedly created those things in the first place. 

She looked around. She was in one of the storerooms, boxes and crates covering the tiled floor where sagging shelves had left space, leaving only a tiny walkway. Innocent looking enough, Yaone thought, but she wasn't going to trust appearances here. Her eyes scanned the room. No obvious traps. Ah, wait - there was a fine tripwire strung between two shelves. She stepped smugly over it - and was rewarded with a sinking feeling when the tile beneath her foot depressed slightly. She threw herself to the floor a little too late. A nasty-looking bolt grazed her upper arm, leaving a painful cut. Its six or seven companions thudded into the far wall. To add insult to injury, her foot caught on the tripwire. 

"Oh, gods," groaned Yaone as a crate fell open to reveal a spider the size of a small dog. She was on her feet instantly, her staff clicking together in her hands. The arachnid advanced on her, its mouthparts clicking together menacingly. It was, undoubtedly, poisonous, knowing Nii and Huang. Yaone clinically observed its movements, then, as it leapt, batted it to the floor and smashed her staff into its body, then whacked it a few more times for good measure. If it wasn't dead yet, then the plus-sized spider wisely pretended to be. 

Yaone gripped her staff tensely for a few minutes. When no more giant arachnids attacked, she turned her attention to the boxes and shelves around her, then frowned. The labels seemed to be in some sort of foreign language - _what in the world could 'sebut tset' or 'sksalf reyemnelrE' be _- or not, realized Yaone with sudden clarity. She rolled her eyes at the juvenility of it all. Making absolutely sure there were no more traps, she carefully pried open the box labled 'setoditna' with the tip of her staff and rummaged through the contents. 

  
*** 

  
Kougaiji and Dokugaiji sank to the floor, leaning against each other and breathing hard. "I... never want... to do that... again," panted Dokugaiji, bleeding from fifty places. 

"Agreed," gasped Kougaiji, trying to hold the remains of his jacket together. His hair, just so carefully styled, was in complete disarray. His long, red locks had actually worked themselves free of the triple tails they were usually slicked into. 

"Damn you little fiends," muttered Nii, slamming the last Evil Rabbit into its cage. It looked rather disappointed. 

"Nii..." sighed Kougaiji, pinching a particularly deep and nasty gash closed. 

"Yes?" asked Nii, sounding rather preoccupied. He was playing tug-of-war with a caged Evil Rabbit for his tie. 

"Why rabbits?" 

"...I _like_ rabbits," said Nii, as if that answered everything. He gave his blue necktie a firm tug. It ripped in half. The rabbit hanging on to the other half with its obscenely sharp teeth gave him a smug look. 

"I should've known," grumbled Kougaiji to himself, staring at the white stuffed rabbit held loosely in Nii's hand. 

"Hey, Kou," mumbled Doku, picking bits of torn paper out of his hair. Paper covered all surfaces possible like confetti after a wedding. 

"Hmm?" murmured Kougaiji. 

"Instead of chocolate chip cookies... how about rabbit pie?" 

Their eyes met. 

"_Very_ good idea," said Kougaiji darkly. 

  
*** 

  
Yaone pressed her ear to the door. "You fighter boys," she heard Dr. Nii sigh. "You'll take a beating without making a sound, but the moment someone applies antiseptic to your wounds, you scream like babies." Yaone heard a sound somewhere between a squeak and a whimper. "Stay still!" Nii barked. There was something that sounded like a sniffled 'yessir'. It sounded suspiciously like Kou-sama's voice, Yaone noted with wide eyes. 

"At least the papers for my little secret are still all there," she heard Nii mutter. 

There was a pause. Yaone could almost hear the crickets. 

"What?" asked Kougaiji. 

"Nothing," said Dr. Nii quickly - too quickly, thought Yaone. 

"_What_ secret, Nii?" asked Kougaiji. There was just a hint of danger in his voice. 

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it?" There was just a note of fear in the scientist's voice. 

"You _will_ tell me about this secret project, Nii, or I will personally hang you from the nearest tree with your own guts." 

"Are you threatening me?" 

"No. Threats are merely meant for intimidation. I mean to _do_ it." 

"Hey, Kou," she heard Doku's voice call. "Look at this door." 

"Top secret, do not enter?" 

"No! There's nothing in there!" yelled Nii desperately. 

"Really?" Kougaiji sounded amused. 

"Really! It's totally empty! You don't want to open that door!" 

"Open it, Doku." Footsteps came Yaone's way, then passed by her hiding place. There was the rattle of a hand on a doorknob. 

"Don't, Dokugaiji!" 

There was the creak of a slowly opening door. Then, there was the sound of a door being slammed open. There was a rushing, rumbling, crashing. Then all was still. Almost. 

_Plik. Plik. Plik._

"What the _hell_?" 

  
*** 

  
"Coffee?" asked Kougaiji incredulously. 

"Coffee," confirmed Dokugaiji, sitting half buried in a mound of roasted coffee beans. He examined one critically. "You really shouldn't leave roasted coffee beans like this, Nii," said Doku. "They'll lose their aroma." 

Dr. Nii looked utterly miserable. 

"What is this for?" asked Kougaiji. "Don't tell me that you're in charge of the refreshments for the Annual Mad Scientists' Convention, Nii. I know that you've got almost all of Togenkyou's coffee in here somewhere." To prove his point, he dug his hand into the mound and retrieved a can of Boost Espresso Latte (The Only Canned Coffee With Extra Caffeine For That Extra Kick In The Morning). 

"Not all," disagreed Nii sullenly, hugging his rabbit closer. "We don't have decaf. How would you know anyway?" 

"A little kappa told me," said Kougaiji curtly. "_What_ is the coffee for, Nii?" 

"Well..." Nii hesitated. Then he looked at the expression on Kougaiji's face. Disembowelment was not the way he wanted to go, he decided very quickly. "...watch this." He poured a mug of three-day-old coffee from the industrial-sized coffee machine in the corner and sniffed it. "Vile stuff," he murmured. He walked over to the tank containing Kougaiji's mother and set it down on the console. 

Kougaiji's eyebrow twitched. "Is this a joke?" he demanded. 

"No. Watch," said Nii. 

They did. Then, it happened. Kou could have missed it if he blinked. He thought he might have been dreaming, but then he saw it again. 

"Did your mother's body..." pointed Doku, slack-jawed. 

"...just twitch?" finished Kougaiji. His eyes were as wide as saucers and nearly as round. 

"See?" said Dr. Nii excitedly. "We thought we were seeing things at first, but it kept happening. Every time we leave coffee near your parents' bodies, they start twitching. I think we might be able to revive them this way." 

"Coffee?" asked Kougaiji. "Coffee?" 

"Well, it is the fuel of life-" 

  
*** 

  
"We can use coffee to revive Lord Gyuumaou, and they made us..." seethed Yaone. 

  
*** 

  
"...chase around the world after sutras to get our asses handed to us by corrupted monks, their demon retinue and mad, discontented gods?" Kougaiji almost screamed. 

"Well, this is merely inferential," stammered Dr. Nii, shrinking away from Kougaiji's wrath. "We know we can revive them with our patented Science-and-Sutra (TM) method. We just think we might be able to revive them with coffee." 

"Really," said Kougaiji. 

"We _do_ have to figure out how to brew coffee strong enough to wake the dead first, you know." 

  
*** 

  
Yaone listened as Kougaiji vented several months' worth of pent-up frustration on the hapless scientist. "Easy, Kou, easy," she heard Dokugaiji's voice faintly over Kougaiji's outburst. "You don't have to disembowel him, Kou, you shouldn't disembowel him, Kou, you need him to bring your parents back, remember? Come on, Kou, cool it, you're going to have an aneurysm, he's not worth major brain surgery..." 

The noise died down as the Voice of Reason got through to Kougaiji, or perhaps it was because Dr. Nii had wisely chosen to make himself scarce, and was not around to be raged at. There was silence for a few minutes. 

"You can come out now, Yaone," called Dokugaiji. "He's gone." 

Yaone opened the door a crack and peered out to make sure the scientist was not still lurking around before coming out of the storeroom. 

"Finally," she sighed. Then she saw Dokugaiji, heavily bandaged and standing over a similarly bandaged Kougaiji, who was sitting on the floor and taking deep, calming breaths. "What happened?" she asked, wide-eyed. 

"Carnivorous bunnies," answered Kougaiji from the floor. "You don't look so hot yourself." Yaone was rather disheveled, what with acrobatic feats and arachnid extermination. She straightened her clothes uncomfortably. 

"I'm sorry, Kougaiji-sama," apologized Yaone meekly. "I'm afraid I triggered their release." 

"It's okay," mumbled Kougaiji, waving away her apology. 

"Yaone, did you get what you came for?" asked Dokugaiji. 

"Yes," answered Yaone, displaying a small vial smugly. 

"Shall we go?" asked Kougaiji. 

"I beg your pardon?" asked Yaone. 

"I'm coming with you," said Kougaiji. He staggered to his feet and reached for the can of Boost Espresso Latte. 

"But, Kougaiji-sama, you're injured," "Kou, you're hurt," protested Yaone and Dokugaiji at once. 

The demon prince chose to ignore them. He opened the can of coffee and almost literally poured it down his throat, then jerked slightly as the caffeine rush hit him. "I'm going to get the Hiryuus," he said. 

"Kou-" 

"I'm worried about my sister," said Kougaiji. "She doesn't need to look for trouble. Trouble looks for her." 

"Kougaiji-sama..." 

"Don't bother arguing with him when he's like this, Yaone," sighed Doku. "Besides... you know, he's right." 

Yaone gave Dokugaiji a helpless look. "But... Sanzo's party... and the gods... you know what Kougaiji-sama's like... if there's a fight today..." she stumbled over her words in her worry. 

"Yaone?" said Kougaiji pointedly. "Today alone, Lirin goes missing; Sanzo and Homura go bonkers... for each other; you, of all people, promise to help their flunkies; we get attacked by vicious mutant rabbits... how much worse can today get?" 

"We could all get killed?" 

"..." 

  
*~*~*~*~*~* 

  



	8. And Then There Were No Brains

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Disclaimer: Us? Own Saiyuki? Ha. Ha. Ha.

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Warning: Mild to severe OOC-ness, shounen-ai, haphazard story, more continuity errors than the Harry Potter series, madness, nonsense humor, utter disregard of the laws of tasteful poetry. May cause non-permanent brain damage.

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Author's Notes: Chapter written by Avarice Riot, whose talent in poetry, has, once again, provided us 

with an ode….^_^ Hapless-Scribe-For-The-Chapter is, once again, Solarwind Starfire.

Oh, and to all of you who have reviewed: We love you guys. 

Enjoy.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ah, those violet eyes so akin to the bruises on Goku's face when I beat the crap out of him…"

"Your poetical prowess gets better by the second, Homura."

"Yes, well, I inspired the creation of the word 'flair', you know."

"Here, let me try. *_Ahem ahem*_ – 'Your, presence speaks of a thousand promises, so elegant in its pus and spuffication-'"

"That's _poise_ and _sophistication_, darling."

"Oh. Right." Sanzo squinted at Homura's copy of _Romantic Prose & Poetry For Slow Learners_ and turned it the right side up. "How about this one- 'Oh, to be a fish struggling within the net of your charms…'"

Not so far away, Zenon cringed. "That has to be worse than anything else I've heard, and that includes Gyumao's serenade to Gyokumen Kousho at their wedding reception."

"If that's poetry, I'll eat my boot," Gojyo agreed miserably. 

A visibly distressed Shien sighed in a defeated manner, having tried with Hakkai and Goku – and failing magnificently – to capture Homura and Sanzo's attention. "What do we do now?" he asked resignedly. "Can we please stop them before they – oh, great, they're locking lips again."

Goku sat a few feet away from Gojyo, as motionless as a rock. He stared blankly in front of him as if unable to accept the reality of what was taking place. His eyes, however, held a thoughtful look. 

Shien turned to Hakkai, more to block out the disturbing vision of his boss and the monk kissing than anything else. "Any more bright ideas, Mr. One-eyed Demon?" he demanded scathingly. "Maybe one that doesn't involve jumping and yelling like a group of uncivilized barbarians?"

Zenon and Gojyo immediately leapt up and blocked Hakkai from Shien's view. "Say that again," they growled simultaneously. There was a pause. They looked at each other, confused. Hakkai, who felt the same way, nevertheless tried to retain peace.

"Er- this isn't the proper time to fight," he said lamely. 

Shien, for some reason, was growing increasingly irritated by Hakkai's pacifist outlook. "I'm going to damn well poke your one good eye out, then we'll see-"

"_AAARGH!_" Zenon roared. "_THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!_" He lunged forward and slammed into Shien, intending to pound him into minced meat. Caught by surprise, Gojyo and Hakkai could only stare.

"You - *punch* - little - *punch* - son - *punch* - of - *punch* - a –"

_"SANZO!!!"_

The sudden cry echoed throughout the clearing. Everybody froze, including Homura and Sanzo. Goku had stood up, his golden eyes a picture of madness and determination combined. Gojyo barely had time to wonder what the monkey was going to do, when Goku, staring daggers at Sanzo, opened his mouth and yelled at the top of his voice:

"Pork buns, pork buns, gimme some pork buns   
They're so much better than bullets and guns!   
Pork buns, pork buns, gimme some pork buns   
Just gimme a plate, I could eat ten dozen!   
Pork buns, pork buns, so hot and delicious   
They're much better than any other riches!   
So leave me alone, as long as I have   
My pork buns, _pork buns, PORK BUNS_!"

If there had been any animals or demons nearby, they surely would have fled upon hearing Goku's incessant screaming. Goku himself stared determinedly at Sanzo, as though daring him for a response. Unfortunately, he received none, as Sanzo and Homura were too busy gaping at him, as were the others. Zenon still had a very lumpy-headed Shien by the shoulders, both of them gawking at Goku. Likewise, Gojyo and Hakkai's vocal cords seemed to have betrayed them.

All was silent for a few moments. Then, as if his heart had been broken multiple times, Goku dropped down to his knees and dissolved into tears.

"See, Sanzo, I can do poetry as well!" he wailed dramatically to his dumbfounded audience. "I didn't even have a book to help me! Why him, Sanzo? _Why_? All this time you've been taking care of me and… *sob* …buying me pork buns… _You've been misleading me_!" he said accusingly, pointing a shaking finger at the monk. "I thought you loved me! You just wanted to fatten me up and feed me to some demon, isn't that the truth?! _WAAAAH!_"

In between Goku's nonsensical babbling, Homura managed to whisper into Sanzo's ear: "What did you think of his poetry?"

"Well, I thought it was quite good, actually," said Sanzo conversationally.

"_Days upon days I thought about how handsome you looked in your robes…_"

"You read my mind, sweetums. He's right, he didn't even look at a book. That's professional standard, that is."

"_…and remember when I bought you the canned peaches; do you think that was @#!*ing easy?! I ran into some demons, and let me tell you…_"

"Professional?" Sanzo's eyes widened. "I guess the monkey's smarter than I ever gave him credit for. We should ask him to join us."

"…s_upertight leather pants and whips… not like you even noticed when I wore them…_"

Homura raised his eyebrows, contemplating. On one hand, he would much rather have his beloved monk all to himself. On the other hand, Goku's presence among them could boost his power of rhyme and verse, which in turn could impress Sanzo even more…

"_OI_!" he yelled at Goku, who was still going on about the time when Sanzo bought him his first pork bun. 

Goku stopped, glaring at him with a watery face. "What?"

"Care to join us?" Homura asked casually, waving his chains invitingly. Sanzo nodded encouragingly at Goku.

Shien let out a disbelieving squeak.

***

Kougaiji, Dokugaiji and Yaone trudged along, each looking considerably worse for wear. It seemed that they had been targeted for abuse by almost every living thing in sight that day.

"First we almost get eaten by a bunch of psychotic rabbits, then we run into flying turtles the size of pigs," complained a very bitter Doku, rubbing the side of his head where a turtle had hit it.

"There, there." Kougaiji patted him on the arm although he looked very disgruntled himself. "Day's gotta end sometime." He didn't doubt, of course, that much more could go wrong before it did. The Hiryuus had refused to go further after the flying turtle attack, and tossed the demons off when they protested. Kou would have been grateful for the pack of fleshy plants that broke their fall, if they hadn't turned out to be the flesh-eating kind.

"At least we managed to keep the antidote safe," Yaone added, fingering the bottle in her pocket. "Now, if only we could find-"

A rustling in the bushes beside her made her jump. She stumbled and fell against Kougaiji, who landed on Doku, who lost his balance and brought all three of them to the ground. They stared warily at the moving bushes, expecting a large monster of doom, perhaps-

"Lirin?"

For the spritely young demon had just jumped out. Her eyes brightened when she saw them. "Hello, onii-chan!" she chirped. "Are you all playing Ring-a-Ring-of-Roses?"

Kougaiji got painfully to his feet. "Lirin," he said slowly, trying to control his temper, "where have you been?"

"I beat up a couple of dragons and blew up some mines," Lirin said innocently, flashing a smile at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

Murderous silence.

Lirin's smile faltered as she realised that her brother – and Doku and Yaone, who had also gotten to her feet – were staring at her with something like murder in their eyes. She also noticed their bandaged and weary appearance.

"Boy, onii-chan, you don't look too good," she ventured, still in the same innocent tone.

Kougaiji made an indistinct noise at the back of her throat. "Doku, take Lirin back to the castle," he ordered. "She may be more inclined to listen to you than to Yaone."

"But-" Doku looked reluctant. Then he sighed. "All right." He looked over at Lirin and suddenly grinned. "Hey, Dr. Nii got hold of some rabbits. I bet he'd let you play with them if you get back to the castle real quick."

"Rabbits?" Lirin looked positively delighted. "Yay!"

"Doku!" Yaone said sharply. Doku merely waved her disapproving look away has he escorted Lirin back to the castle.

***

"I don't believe this. I don't believe _this_…" Shien groaned.

"Goku, what are you _doing_?" Gojyo hissed.

Homura had fastened the other end of the chains on his Sanzo-free hand onto Goku's hand. Then he had whipped out an extra set of chains, fastening one end onto Sanzo's free hand and the other onto Goku's other hand. Now they were all bound to each other, creating a sort of triangle.

Gojyo made to move towards them, but Hakkai held him back. "No," Hakkai said sensibly, "we have to wait until Yaone-san arrives with the antidote."

Gojyo grunted disapprovingly, but grudgingly sat back down on the ground. "Where the hell is that woman anyway?"

"Maybe she bailed out on us and isn't really coming," Zenon offered darkly.

"Yaone-san wouldn't do that," Hakkai said confidently, turning to Zenon. "We just have to be patient.

"Ehm- patient. Right," Zenon agreed. He had straightened up considerably when Hakkai's gaze landed on him. Shien wished inwardly that he could have that effect on Gojyo.

Meanwhile, a very excited Goku was fingering his chains. "Are we playing a game?" he asked. Homura had a distinctly deploring look on his face; Sanzo was grinning wryly.

"No, not a game," he corrected. "You're going to tell us your secret."

"My secret?" Goku sweatdropped. Did Sanzo know that he had eaten more than his fair share of pork buns at dinner yesterday?

"Yes, Goku, the secret of your poetic success."

"My… poetic… success?"  
Homura felt slightly disturbed now. Perhaps this hadn't been such a good idea. Sanzo was his. _His_. Property of Homura Taishi. He even had a hickey on his neck to prove it. An now Goku's presence was somewhat invading… _but he's only here to teach me the secrets of prose_, Homura reminded himself. _Not to get into Konzen's pants. I'll just weasel what I want out of them, then dispose of him. No matter that he's incredibly powerful. My monk is better than a thousand powerful Gokus._

Yes, he thought, a maniacal grin spreading slowly across his face. _It's all coming together now_-

"Oof!" A boot had collided very heavily with his face; before he could recover from the impact, Homura felt himself being dragged down to the ground by his chains. Through very bleary eyes, he barely managed to make out Sanzo's figure beside him, draped over Goku. His hands were very tightly encased around Goku's neck.

"What do you mean you don't have anything to share?!! Then what the hell were you just spouting?! There must be some technique…"

"I told you," Goku croaked, struggling under Sanzo's chokehold. "I just- it came out of my head… all of a sudden… I was hungry… there were pork buns on my mind…"

Sanzo brought his face down, very close to Goku's. He didn't relax his grip, though. "You @#!*ing liar, you just don't want me and Homura to become better than you! NOW TELL ME-"

But what Goku was to tell him, they never found out, for Goku had lifted his head from the ground. As it was barely inches from Sanzo's, the result was that his lips brushed slightly against the monk's. Caught by surprise, the monk opened his mouth to say something, but before he could speak-

"_HOW **DARE** YOU_?!" Homura roared, his veins popping like little volcanoes. "You @#!*ing bastard, that's _my_ property! You little slut machine with a bottomless pit for a stomach!"

With that, he lunged towards Goku. This proved to be disastrous, as Sanzo was dragged along with him. In the end, Homura hovered over Goku like an angry fireball, with Sanzo facing the other way, his back against Homura's rear end and his hands completely tangled in the chains. 

"_DON'T MESS WITH MY MONK!_" Homura was still strangling a very pitiable Goku, the demon turning an odd shade of blue as he was quickly being drained of air.

Gojyo, who was by now almost completely apathetic to the antics being displayed in front of him, blinked unconcernedly. A pile of damp, shredded grass blades sat beside him. Gojyo turned slowly towards Hakkai. "One more, Hakkai," he pronounced very, very calmly although his facial tics were clear for all to see. "I will chew one more blade of grass, and spit it out, and if I don't see a flash of purple hair-" He stopped in mid-sentence, then squinted once more over Hakkai's shoulder. _Nah, it couldn't be. I've been eating too much grass…_

Yaone and Kougaiji burst into the clearing at that moment. "Hakkai-san! We've got the antidote!" Yaone shouted.

Hakkai nodded, visibly relieved. "That's good, Yaone-san! Now we just need to round them up!" He gestured at the mad trio on front of them. Kougaiji stared at the spectacle, then glanced at Zenon and Shien who shook their heads vigorously. "You don't want to know," Zenon assured him.

"All right, Yaone-san and I have a plan," Hakkai announced. "We need to take advantage of those two while they're distracted. Yaone-san thinks we should try to restrain Homura while she administers the antidote to Sanzo.

"Get real, trying to keep Homura still is like telling a rhinoceros to lay eggs," Zenon countered. "We should know."

"You got a better idea?" Gojyo snarled.

__

"AAAARGH!" Goku's agitated cry floated across the clearing. Hakkai moved, determined, towards the chained trio. "The sooner we move, the sooner we can get this over with."

That was easier said than done; they felt the rage radiating from Homura even before they could lay their hands on him. Sanzo wouldn't be a problem; his hands were already trapped within the tangled mass of chains. Homura, however…

"I say we punch his lights out," Gojyo offered. Without waiting for a response, he ran forward. "Oi, you anorexic god, get a load of _this_!" He drove his fist home into Homura's face.

Zenon and Shien gasped. They knew too well how their boss responded to being punched like that, had been witness to too many of them. Without thinking, Shien flung himself on top of Homura. "Sit on him!" he shrieked. "Sit on him, keep him on the ground or he'll erupt!"

Zenon had already jumped to help Shien. Kougaiji, who had already seen too much madness in one day to think strangely of this, merely shrugged and obligingly sat on Homura's shoulderblades. The god let out a furious yell, but his distorted mind and the godforsaken chains prevented him from causing harm.

And from somewhere very far down, a pitiful whimper was barely audible.

"I feel very sorry for the monkey," Gojyo muttered to himself, before joining the fray.

"Mmmf - bloody hell – mmmf - get off -" Homura, of course.

Hakkai and Yaone, meanwhile, were trying to feed Sanzo the antidote. Needless to say, it was no piece of cake.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sanzo demanded, struggling against the chains. "I want my Homura! Homura, are you all right?"

"Don't worry, peach pudding!" Homura's muffled voice assured. "I'll protect you!"

Hakkai looked apologetically at Sanzo. "Sorry, Sanzo, but since you're not cooperating, we'll have to…" He drew his arm back and delivered a swift blow. Sanzo's head snapped back, then sank limply, his chin touching his robes.

*** 

"Hit him on the head, Shien!" Zenon shouted, trying to dodge Homura's flailing arms. "Remember the reverse effect!"

"Oh, he's going to be so mad at us," Shien moaned. He closed his eyes tightly, and raised his arm-

*** 

Yaone carefully extracted the bottle of liquid from her pocket. She pulled out the cork and turned to Hakkai. "Ready."

Hakkai carefully held Sanzo's mouth open. Yaone tentatively poured the thick, glutinous liquid down the monk's throat.

"How long until it takes effect?" Hakkai inquired.

"Should be under a few minutes," Yaone replied. She crossed her fingers just in case.

***

"Wow, Shien, I'm impressed. You actually gave him a welt." Zenon sounded beyond awed.

Shien was still horrorstruck, unable to believe what he had just done. 

"That's nothing compared to what he's going to do to me later…" he complained glumly.

Kougaiji slid of Homura's limp body, ignoring Goku's wail of "I can't breathe!". "Are we done, Yaone?" he called. _Gods know I could use a bath or two…_

"Almost, Kougaiji-sama, he should be coming round any time now!" Yaone took a few steps backwards as realisation dawned on her. "Um… Kougaiji-sama… Hakkai-san… everybody… perhaps we should move away, just a little bit…"

Everyone immediately backed up a few feet. Sanzo was already stirring.

"Wha-" Sanzo mumbled sleepily. He felt as though he'd just woken up from a long nap. And what were these bracelets doing on his hands- _no, chains._ And what was this nice, soft pillow cushioning his head? _I don't remember going into an inn-_

He turned around and squinted. A black pillow? That was new. A strangely shaped one too. It didn't look like a pillow at all. In fact, it looked like a-

"AAACK!" Sanzo jerked backwards so suddenly that the chains tugged and Homura's body fell flat onto his lap. For some reason, the god had an ugly welt on his face. _Why the **@#!* **am I chained to **HOMURA**?_

Goku's head suddenly emerged from underneath Homura's cloak, gasping like a fish out of water. "Sanzo!" he rasped. "I… heard something about peach pudding… did you save some for me?"

Sanzo stared at him.

"Unhh…" Homura blinked and stared up at Sanzo. They stared at each other for a moment in mutual bewilderment. Then at Goku. Then at the chains binding them. Then at each other again.

__

"@&$*^*!%$*@#%!?&%*#^!@|&%@&#$!!!"


	9. The Bishounen Triangle

****

Title: Boinked!  
**Chapter: **9/?  
**Authoresses:** The Three Dimensions  
**Genre:** Yaoi, Humour, Romance (gone very, very wrong), General  
**Pairings:** Uh… we lost count…   
**Warnings: **ExtremeOOC-ness, endless insanity streak, total randomness, nonsensical stuff, Hikaru's poor English, Solarwind's meddlesome streak, etc.  
**DISCLAIMER: **Kazuya Minekura-sama owns Saiyuki, Rice-chan owns her poems, Wind-chan owns her computer, and I own my immaculate innocence.

Hikaru's Notes: Thank you for the generous reviews! *bows*  
As for this chapter, I'm awfully sorry if there's not much humour here. I wrote this one while I was feeling kind of depressed, so… [Rice-chan: "That's what she always says…" Wind-chan: "Nothing we can do about it…"]

-+-+-+-+-+-X-+-+-+-+-+-

"Why the hell is he here?" demanded Sanzo when he (and Homura) completed ejaculating all the profanities ever discovered by mankind (in Homura's case, god-kind), pointing an accusing finger at the heretic god whilst his left hand was digging into the depths of his robe, looking for his reliable Smith & Wesson. Unfortunately for him, it was one of those rare times when Lady Luck decided to abandon him. Either that, or she chose to join in the fun of making Sanzo's life more miserable than it already was.

"Ne, Sanzo, what does _@&$*^*!%$*@#%!?&%*#^!@|&%@&#$_ mean?" Goku asked, clueless.

Homura fingered the chains, trying to make sure they were real, and was partly relieved to find that he still had a sound mind. Alas, the consolation was only for a short period of time, for he became aware of his major predicament. He ogled dumbly at his audience—namely an extra-pale Shien, a weary-looking Zenon, a frustrated Gojyo, a mildly nervous Hakkai, Yaone sighing in satisfaction seeing her antidote had succeeded to a marvel, and an amused Kougaiji.

Exasperated, Homura held the shackles tightly in his grips. His face tried to remain calm and composed, but as his anger got the best of him, he began to vociferate.

"WHICH **BLUNDERING**, #^@$-~+ IDIOT, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A %@$~@\# DID THIS!!!????"

The thunderous holler shook the ground, sending innumerable flocks of birds and other unidentified flying objects evacuating the trees, lest they succumb to the destructive quake.

"That's what I'd like to know," murmured Sanzo, a lethal look in his eyes. The purple, bloodshot orbs pierced straight into the audience's eyes, searching wildly for an answer.

"Should we tell them?" asked Hakkai.

"Shikashi, I don't know what happened here," Yaone defended herself. "Kougaiji-sama too." And her boss.

"I'm too young to die," remarked Zenon. "There's no way am I dying without—" He glanced at an ignorant Hakkai.

Naturally, Homura was irritated at the sight of the party mumbling among themselves. Having found his gun, Sanzo was already reloading it with extra-deadly bullets, not wanting to leave anyone out in his planned enormous massacre.

"Did I do anything wrong?" asked Goku blankly.

"Do me a favour and keep quiet," mumbled the monk. "I've to prepare the main ingredient for Homura's funeral first."

The fighting god, finally noticing that the manacles were frightfully familiar, surveyed the metal.

And there it was—his personalized stamp mark;

_Property of the great Homura Taishi. Touch this and hear me roar!_

In these kind of cases, normal beings would shriek in the highest pitch audible to man-god-youkai-kinds, but for the reason that Homura is not your typical, run-of-the-mill god, only his bulging eyes, wide open jaws and standing hair hinted his absolute shock.

"Holy crap!" He proceeded to check the handcuffs on Goku's wrist, then Sanzo's.

"The **great** Homura Taishi?" jibed Goku.

Sanzo's observant eyes could not overlook the stamp mark. In an instant his eyes fired murder into Homura's, seeking to scorch, roast and poke them out.

"Holy crap is right. Explain. **Now**. Before I blow your empty head all the way to the Netherworld."

"The one who did this was…"

As if on cue, the others pointed a calm finger in the fighting god's direction—including Goku.

"…masaka…" Homura blurted out.

"I agree whole-heartedly to the _blundering, #^@$-~+ idiot, sorry excuse for a %@$~@\# _part," nodded Gojyo with a thoughtful expression.

"Who else, duh?" Kougaiji folded his arms, cocking an eyebrow. "I mean, I'm sure none of us _weaker beings_ than yourself would want to commit suicide just to hear you—roar, as you put it—by messing around with that…junk." The sarcasm in his tone was too obvious to the naked eye—err, ear.

"Hate to say this, but he does have a point," Zenon frowned, and joined Gojyo in his nodding session.

"Oi, oi, I thought you're Homura's subordinate?" Gojyo pointed out. "Aren't you supposed to be on his side?"

"All the more reason for me **not **to hear him roar. I don't want my ears to fail me, you know. Thanks anyway for reminding me."

Meanwhile, Sanzo was frowning in acute anger, resulting in his body to shake uncontrollably. "What's up your sleeves now, Homura?" growled the blond, his fingers threatening to break any moment now due to his tightened fists. Then again, being a loyal BFWC (Beer Fortified With Calcium) drinker, he had nothing to worry about.

"Damn it, Konzen! Why do you **always **accuse me on the spot? I tell you I'm also bewildered!"

"How many times must I refresh your memory, you deaf god?! The name's Sanzo!" He brought the tip of the gun closer to Homura.

Homura had to grin mockingly. "The fact that your puny, pathetic gun can never harm me—being a superior god and all—aside, you wouldn't want to kill the only person who has the only key to these chains, would you? **Only **person, **only **key, mark you."

"Tch. It's just a godforsaken key. After I search for it on your dead body, I'll just fix the freaking key into the freaking—"

"—without giving the password? Impossible."

"**WHAT** ^@#$=|~ PASSWORD!? Damn it all, Homura! Why the heck is there a need for that ^@#—"

"We gods need to be more cautious, you know."

"**Forget** about the frigging password! On second thought, I don't mind getting stuck with a $=00^# corpse for all eternity!"

"Sanzo~! Does this mean you're OK to be stuck with me as well?" interjected Goku, his happy eyes embedding Sanzo's heated ones.

The innocent joyful look on Goku façade was too adorable to be shattered. Goku tugged lightly on Sanzo's arm, beckoning him to answer.

Nonetheless, Sanzo was about to say something when Homura cut him.

"Son Goku, **I **certainly won't mind…"

"Huh!?" ejaculated Goku. "Ch-chotto! One minute you were kissing Sanzo and now you're trying to hit on me!??"

Silence fell—a creepy, chilly one.

"Oh, dear me…" Hakkai sweatdropped. "Things have just gotten worse…"

"Maa, I have to agree with you, Hakkai-san…" added Yaone, anxiety written all over her face.

"War…war is very near," Shien mused. "I can smell it."

"Shien…can't you try saying something positive?" Zenon sighed dejectedly. "It could help, you know."

They waited in fearful anticipation for Sanzo's reaction, none of them prepared for the end of the world.

"Homura. Kissed. Me."

"I did?"

"Don't forget that horrible rigmarole you guys call poetry," added Gojyo.

"Gojyo!" said Hakkai in reproach, warning him not to venture any further. "Please put that video camera away."

"Aw ****."

"Homura…kissed me." Click.

"Sanzo~!" Goku looked at him, teary eyed. He was enormously disconcerted.

"He kissed…me." Click, click.

"Why was I not aware of it?" Homura questioned.

Thus came the moment everybody was waiting for (read: everybody's fear coming true)—the eruption of that volcano named Genjo Sanzo.

"**** IT ALL!!! HOMURA!!! I'll **execute **you over and over again! I'll haunt you **forever**! Even after your ****ing reincarnations!"

Goku knew that it was best for him to lay low and stay quiet, lest he contributed to the second round of doomsday by rising Sanzo's blood temperature even more.

"Konzen, I—"

"I'll send you to hell **now**!!"

"I didn't do anything wrong! Not yet, anyway…"

Thanks to a crafty twist of fate, in his soaring enthusiasm to rip Homura to tiny shreds, Sanzo tripped over his robe. It is worth mentioning here that this accident had **never **happened before in his life, since his robe was (is, and will always be) in top-notch condition. Nevertheless, the robe got loose in the day's events. Hey, robes **are** mere fabrics, you know, even if the highest priest on Earth wore them.

"Sanzo~!!" Goku endeavoured to catch his owner, ceasing his fall.

"****!!" cried Sanzo.

"K—Konze—mmph!!??"

Sanzo's lips had landed squarely on Homura's. The onlookers gasped, yelled and/or fainted in astonishment.

The sudden kiss ended as abruptly as it started. Sanzo pulled himself up (plus Goku who was clinging on to him), his hand clasped over his mouth. His energy had deserted him, that to stand properly was no easy task. His heart was working overtime. Homura, half-sitting on the ground, was virtually in the same condition—utterly taken back.

"What!!??" cried Goku. "Homura! What have you done to Sanzo!!??"

"Son Goku, why am I blamed for everything that goes wrong?" protested Homura. "Oh, right! Blame it all on the heretic deity!"

"I'm getting a migraine…" muttered Gojyo, rubbing his temples. "Anyone with Panadol?"

"I've a cookie, though." Kougaiji flicked one in the half-youkai's direction.

"Hey, thanks." Barely stopping for a sniff, he popped it into his mouth, and immediately his face turned a weird shade of green. Before long he swallowed it reluctantly, hoping against hope the unearthly taste would disappear.

Kougaiji, proud of his cookie, paid no attention to poor Gojyo. "I made it myself."

"Figures," whispered Gojyo, who was making strangling noises. '_Discovery of the day; youkais under whatsherface have awful taste buds. Heck, that means even aniki did not escape from this cruel fate…'_

"You all right?" Shien asked.

"Call 911 and I'll answer that question for you."

"Oi, prince boy, why don't you get your @$$ out of here? This does not involve you," Zenon hissed at Kougaiji.

"What?! And miss this one in a million chance to witness an invaluable comedy being played right before my eyes?" Kougaiji waved a careless hand, in a way showing off his manicured nails. "No, thank you very much. It's not everyday I get to see the fighting god and a highly-ranked monk make complete fools out of themselves."

"Teme!" Goku cried at Kougaiji. "Sanzo is not a fool! Take that back!"

"Yada. Make me."

"Urusei! Shut your gap, demon boy! I don't need unnecessary bickering!" Sanzo shot at Kougaiji, but he missed appallingly.

"Kyuu!" Hakuryu squeaked in protest, as it was unlucky to have been somewhat near to Kougaiji, yet lucky that the bullet whisked approximately 0.9999cm to its left. Saddened that the monk did not bother listening to its wails, it flew over to Hakkai. The ningen-turned-youkai patted it fondly, slightly to Zenon's jealousy.

"These manacles are troubling my aim," complained Sanzo.

"That's not really an acceptable excuse…" quipped Shien.

"Nyoibo~!" Goku hurled himself towards Kougaiji. Well, Goku was, until he fell down fifty centimetres later, bringing Sanzo and Homura on top of him. The three of them landed in a jumbled pile, with their heads, arms and legs protruding out in all sorts of direction, in an intricate pose.

"Uhm, I believe we shouldn't la—" Hakkai did not finish, for he no longer managed to hide his chuckles.

"Eeto, Kougaiji-sama…you—ha, ha—shouldn't—ha, ha, ha—laugh at them…" from Yaone.

Gojyo was banging his hand (and later his head) on a tree, laughing his head off, his sickness passed completely from his mind.

"Chikusho! Not funny!" Sanzo's arm, which was sticking out from the gap between Homura's stomach and Goku's right leg, fired at them. Since he did not even attempt aiming, due to the fact that his head was sandwiched between Homura's chest and Goku's back, none of the bullets actually ended up killing anybody. Whew.

"Kougaiji! I'll get you for that!"

"Goku, you hit my head…"

"Warui, Homura. Kougaiji!!!"

"Homura, you sorry excuse for a god! Get off me! And stop rubbing my back, damn it!"

"I'm rubbing Goku's, Konzen."

"Waahhh! That was you, Homura!? That wasn't Sanzo??"

"Yarou! Homura! You touched **both **of us? **At once**!!?? Get the hell away from me, you hentai!"

"And let go of this golden opportunity? I think not."

"Kougaiji! Where are you!? Let me at him!! Ack~!!!"

"I don't see any golden opportunity! Are you blind now, Homura?"

"My vision is as good as yours, Konzen."

"My pants!"

"Homura! Get your filthy hands off Goku! And me! I'm going to twist your perverted arm and spool your veins like thread once I get my hands on you!"

"You're in my way."

"Damned yes I'm going to be if you don't—!"

"Whose hand is that on my back!?"

"Konzen, Konzen, you really must learn to be patient."

"Stop molesting Goku, you hear me!"

"Oho, Konzen is jealous~"

"Sanzo~!! These chains are binding me!"

"That's because Homura deliberately tied them around you, saru."

"Gojyo, I don't think it's wise for you to film this on tape…" said Hakkai.

"Why not? Do you know they make a lot of money selling these kind of—" replied Gojyo.

"But it's wrong! Even if you want to blackmail Sanzo at least try using another method."

"Who says I'm blackmailing Sanzo? It's Homura."

"Homu—nani!? No, it's still the same."

"Oh, come on! Be a sport, Hakkai."

Hakkai sighed in defeat. "Now **I **have a migraine…I need tea…"

"Sorry, no tea. But I've coffee." Kougaiji tossed a can to Hakkai, then opened a second one for himself. "Now if only I've some popcorn…"

Zenon cleared his throat. "Excuse me, guys—and girl?" He glanced at Yaone. "As much as I enjoy this free entertainment, shouldn't we do something to solve the current problem? I don't need my salary to be cut because of this disaster."

"Saa, you've a point. Can you please tell your boss to hightail out of here? At least if that is possible, we'll only have to worry about unbinding Sanzo and Goku…" Hakkai inferred. "His teleportation package hasn't expired yet, has it?"

Shien was about to say something when a ray of light descended from the skies, in front of them. It was—a fax note?

Shien grabbed the paper and read it;

_To whom it may concern,  
The Heaven Teleportation Services are currently facing a slight technical problem, involving a number of HTS employees who cannot seem to keep their eyes open long enough to do their job. The problem will be solved as soon as we find enough coffee to shove down their throats.  
Thank you. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. And now I need to get back to my sleep…Zzzzzzzzz…_

Zenon gawked at the paper. "You mean we're stuck here until they get their coffee??"

"It seems like that, yes."

"How the heck are they going to look for coffee if they're **all **asleep!!??"

"Which reminds me—where did you get this?" Hakkai gestured at his empty canned coffee.

Kougaiji, in response, laughed nervously. He realized that he should not—and could not—reveal the reality that he had a few thousands truckload of coffee back in the castle, for fear that a herd of nutty gods might just bomb the place to get their hands on the coffee—and in the process transforming his parents into mere shards.

No, he had to keep it a secret. "It's my emergency supply." Shrugging, he gulped his coffee down placidly.

=+=+=+=+=

"Nii!" yelled Dr. Huang, striding into the lab. "Cancel the implementation of Operation Arabica! The super-saturated distilled coffee extract doesn't seem to have the effect we thought it might-"

"Then… I shouldn't have done this, then?" asked Dr. Nii. Dr. Huang stared in horror. Nii had obviously been pouring the coffee extract into the wide, aluminum pipe, and as she watched, the last drop of the brown-black liquid dripped from the tilted beaker into its gaping mouth.

"…Oh, no…" whispered Huang. 

"So I _really_ shouldn't have done it then," quavered Nii. 

Huang nodded at him silently, her eyes wide. They watched in a kind of fascinated horror as the coffee zipped through pipes and tubes like a mad roller coaster. All the tubes converged on one point…

Kougaiji's mother's body twitched. Then it went into violent convulsions. A red glow burned around her body, gaining brightness with each passing second. The glass cylinder holding her body cracked-

Nii and Huang, experts at recognizing dangerous buildups of energy, dived behind a handy desk, and not a moment too soon. The cylinder exploded, showering the laboratory with glass shards, goop and writhing tubes.

"This is not a good day," groaned Huang.

"You have no idea," sighed Nii. His stuffed rabbit's ears drooped.

Beyond the desk, a pair of eyes opened. They glowed red.

=+=+=+=+=

"Uh, sumimasen…" Hakkai put forward, trying to get the attention of the trio.

"Kougaiji! One of these days I'll get you! Maybe not now, but someday!"

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine with me, Son Goku." Kougaiji, resting casually on a tree branch, waved at Goku teasingly.

"Konzen, be a dear and let me have Go—"

"Over my dead body! Don't call me 'dear'!!"

"Get off me, onegai! I can hardly breathe! Sanzo! Homura!"

"Seriously, Konzen, you're wasting your cartridges…"

"No such thing as wasting when it comes to killing you."

Sanzo and Homura both stood up unexpectedly, each of them leaped backwards to get as far as possible from the other. Unfortunately for Goku, who was smack dab right in the middle, was practically hanging in mid-air as the tightened chains stretched out as long as they were able to.

"Not good, not good at all…" Goku sighed, his arms opened wide. Out of the blue he felt as if his body was about to be torn in half. "Aiii! It hurts!" On reflexes, Goku countered, pulling his arms together, as well as the two men towards him. The sudden force caught both the monk and the god off guard, that they were easily hauled as if they were empty coffee cans. The two accidentally banged their heads together.

Sanzo rubbed his sore forehead, murmuring all sorts of damnation that crossed his mind.

"Sanzo, are you hurt?" Goku, forgetting about his own ache, rushed to Sanzo's side. "Tell me you're OK, please."

"Do I look like I'm OK?" demanded he irately. But soon after an awkward pause, he replied slowly. "I'm fine, damn it."

"Yokatta!"

"They've stopped quarrelling at last! Well, it seems that I don't have to use this anymore." Yaone kept a bottle, within it a grey coloured liquid, into her—wherever she kept her things.

"What was that?" asked a curious Gojyo.

"Awful, smelly stuff," offered Kougaiji, jumping off the tree. "Effective in sending people into a comatose state for days, and sometimes weeks if you're unlucky. I thought I told you to never use that thing again."

"But, Kougaiji-sama…I cannot bear to throw this away! Do you know how much effort I've put into this? How easy was it to acquire three dragon's tongues, a frog's liver—"

"Alright, alright, I see your point." Kougaiji was actually shivering in disgust. "Just keep it out of my sight."

"Homura! Unfasten these handcuffs now!" insisted Sanzo, strangling Homura. "Even if I can't kill you, I can still turn you into a cripple—"

"Darn you, Konzen! Fine, then. Let me go and I'll give you the ****ing key." Homura, sighing, reached into his pocket, feeling for **the** key.

"I thought they wouldn't stop…" said Hakkai, wiping his sweaty forehead. "Sanzo's so helpful, as always."

"I'm just glad we don't have to butt in," added Gojyo. "My hair is already getting limp."

"Screw it all, Homura!" said Sanzo, impatient. "What's taking you so long!?"

"Ah…" Homura, as he glanced at them, reached deeper into his pockets.

"Well?" asked Goku, expectantly.

"…oh, !*^@…"

-+-+-+-+-+-X-+-+-+-+-+-

Authoress' Notes:  
_Hikaru_: *holding up a signboard* [Moment of truth, people! We have no idea what this fic is coming to.]  
_Rice-chan_: Since Hikaru here is an avid supporter of Sanzo/Goku pairings, she would feel just a little upset if she should write a non-Sanzo/Goku 'fic-  
_Hikaru_: *switches signboards* [Just a _little_ upset? I'd be devastated! _Devastated!_]  
_Wind-chan_: -So she came up with the idea that this 'fic will be a threesome – that is, Homura/Sanzo/Goku. Uh-huh, her ideas.  
_Hikaru_: *glares sideways at them, raising another board* [That's right…Blame everything on the most innocent one here…]  
_Wind-chan_: Innocent? Excuse me? _Who_ suggested a threesome in the first place!?  
_Rice-chan_: As I was saying…if this fic should indeed turn out to be a threesome, it'd possibly the first ever Saiyuki threesome on FF.Net – then again we _could_ be mistaken…  
_Hikaru_: [Dakara, I'd like to know what is your opinion regarding our little dilemma! And I'm so sorry!]  
_Wind-chan_: Thank you for reading!  
_Rice-chan_: And if anything goes wrong, blame it on Hikaru!   
_Hikaru_: [Hey!]  
_Wind-chan_: Wait… just why am I being referred to as Wind-chan here?  
_Hikaru_: ^^;;;


	10. Dungeons and Dragon

**Warning:** Shounen-ai, so many implied pairings we've lost count, at least one threesome (this is _all_ your fault, Hikaru-chan), serious OOCness, plot holes you can drive Hakuryuu through, random insanity, references to almost every RPG ever made. 

**DISCLAIMER:** Kazuya Minekura-sensei owns Gensoumaden Saiyuki. Avarice Riot owns her 133t writing skillz. Hikaru R. Kudou owns her lovable predictability. Solarwind Starfire owns copies of too many CRPGs and needs to get a life. 

**Boinked****!******

**Chapter 10 ~ Dungeons and Dragon**

= = = = =

          "_What do you mean you lost the key?!_" screamed Sanzo, throttling Homura so hard his eyeballs spun in their sockets.

          "IIIII mmmmerely mmmisplllllaced iiiiit," ground out Homura, who was starting to look slightly blurred.

          A vein throbbed and came dangerously close to bursting on Sanzo's forehead. "_That's the same thing, **** you!_"he bellowed into Homura's face. The god's black hair flew back from the source of the monk's yell.

          "Ssssso ssssstop ssshaking mmmmme ssssso IIIII caaaaan goooo looooook ffffor iiiit!" yelled back Homura, whose voice was vibrating almost as violently as he was.

          "Please stop quarreling, Sanzo, Homura," said Goku in a very small voice. He was crouched on the ground between the two men, hands clamped firmly over his ears.

          "Look, now you've upset the monkey!" yelled Sanzo.

          "_Me? You_'re the one who started shouting first!" screamed Homura.

          "Why me?" whimpered Goku, trying to make himself even smaller.

          "Oh, now it's my fault, is it? I suppose it was _my_ fault you chained us all together, you ****ing hentai?"

          A pause.

          "Well, I wouldn't be much of a hentai if I don't… you know," pointed out Homura. "And besides, Konzen, I'd watch my mouth if I were you. You're chained to me, which means you're _always_ within reach."

          "I'd like to see what you think you can do to me, you-"

          Goku, knowing that being between two of Togenkyou's most dangerous men in the middle of an argument was a _very_ dangerous place to be, hunkered down, put his arms over his head and braced himself for the explosion.

          "_WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!_" 

          Nine heads turned as one. Nine pairs of eyes stared, including Goku, who did it from behind his fingers. Eight pairs of feet took several steps backwards, leaving a raging Hakkai with plenty of room to himself.

          "Sanzo. Hands off Homura's throat_._"

          The monk's hands let go of the fighting god's neck almost automatically.

          "Homura. Let go of Sanzo."

          Homura, in turn, released his grip on the corrupted monk's forearms. They swung limply to his sides.

          "Shien, remove your hands from Gojyo's… just get your hands away from there, _please_."

          "What, jealous?" shot back Shien, who had just noticed exactly where he had gripped the pink-haired half-kappa in his panic. He instantly regretted it, because not only did the throbbing on Hakkai's forehead increase significantly, but Gojyo, who had also just noticed the god's hands on an unmentionable part of his anatomy, turned an interesting shade of purple previously only associated with grapes, half-healed bruises and Sanzo's eyes.

          Shien's subsequent screams snapped everyone else back to their senses.

          "Ah… Hakkai-san…" said Yaone nervously from behind Kougaiji, "it would be nice if you would… calm down…"

          Hakuryuu chipped in a few worried squeaks from its perch up a very, very tall tree.

          Hakkai took a deep, shuddering breath and forced his face back into his usual smile. As his veins were still throbbing horribly, this provided a rather…interesting effect, to say the least. Yaone fought a sudden desire to scream and run.

          "Now… Homura," said Hakkai in a very calm voice, "can you find the key to your manacles?"

          "No," admitted Homura, sounding rather shaken.

          "Do you know where they could be?"

          "No… they're always in my jeans' pockets, just not… now."

          "Do you remember where you've been?"

          "Obviously not! Maybe you should ask this corrupted monk here, since he was obviously taking advantage of me the whole time-"

          "What?! How _dare_ you, you were the one molesting Goku and I-"

          Hakkai's twitching eyebrow forestalled further arguments.

          There was a nervous silence, punctured only by Goku mumbling "I'm hungry." No one noticed.

          "So how are we going to unlock the manacles now, oh brilliant, powerful, wonky-eyed heretic god?" asked Sanzo sarcastically.

          "How should I know?" snapped back Homura. "You-"

          "The Oracle of Small Lost Objects!" blurted out Kougaiji, more to avoid an argument that might send Hakkai over the edge than out of any desire to be helpful.

          Sanzo frowned at him. "What?"

          "The Oracle of Small Missing Objects," corrected Shien, being helped painfully to his feet by Zenon. There wasn't a spot on him that wasn't black and blue. "You'd think that Gojyo, hentai extraordinaire, might overlook an accidental hand placement, but nooo…"

          "Accidental? Please," sighed Zenon. "I know you enjoyed that." 

          "Well, yeah, but that's not the point-"

          "Oracle of Small Missing Objects, Shien," prompted Zenon, watching Gojyo, who was periodically sending death glares in Shien's direction.

          "Right. Oracle. Well, there's this minor goddess," said Shien carefully, feeling his ribs, "who's in charge of all those little things gods and mortals alike keep losing. Earrings, keys, socks, contact lenses, things like that," he said, ignoring Homura, who was shaking his head at him with a certain measure of terror. 

          "So we can just pray for her help, then?" asked Goku hopefully.

          "Well, yes-"

          "So ask, then!" growled Sanzo at Homura.

          "My esteemed henchmen," growled Homura, glaring daggers at Sanzo, "have apparently forgotten that we can't very well get into heaven to ask her to her face, since our powers of teleportation have gone on the blink. And, down here, she will only answer prayers made at her temple, _and_," he added darkly, "her one and only temple is inside this huge dungeon."

          Silence.

          "Oh," said Goku. "So what's the problem?"

          "The problem is," began Homura calmly, " _monsters_ and _traps_ and _doors_ that will only open after completing _puzzles_ and _Kami-sama__ only knows what else!_" he screamed.

          Kougaiji and Yaone snorted. "Like Nii's lab, then," said Yaone. "Big deal," added Kougaiji.

          Zenon eyed them speculatively. "Say," he said casually, "would you like to come along?"

          "You'd be willing to brave untold horrors to separate them from each other?" asked Yaone.

          "Of course," said Gojyo. After a while, he added, "But only so we can sleep at night. You know, without being disturbed by their screaming at each other, or their just plain _screaming_," he said, glancing at Hakkai. "Besides, we really pity the poor monkey."

          "I am not a monkey!" snapped Goku, who was only prevented from tackling Gojyo by Homura's chains.

          "Yes, fine sentiments, I'm sure," said Kougaiji briskly, gripping Yaone's wrist firmly, "but we've had enough punishment for one day an we should really be going home. Come along, Yaone," he said, walking away and dragging the female youkai after him.

          "Wait!" called Zenon desperately. "We need you!"

          "Whatever for?" asked Kougaiji, sounding rather amused.

          "We need someone who can handle monsters and traps!"

          "You're gods. I'm sure you can take care of stuff that's fatal to us mortals."

          "Dungeons are sure to have treasure in them!"

          "What the _hell_ would someone who's technically the heir to the youkai throne need treasure for?"

          "I'll treat you and your friends to dinner!"

          "Getting desperate, are we? I'm not _Goku_, you know."

          "I'll tell Heaven their coffee supply is in Houtou Castle!"

          Kougaiji stopped abruptly, causing Yaone to walk into him. "What—" he sputtered, "-how the hell did you know?"

          Zenon blinked. "Well, I do now," he pointed out smugly.

          "This is blackmail!" said Yaone angrily.

          "Yeah, well, that was grand theft," said Zenon. "You ever heard of what the gods did to the guy who stole fire from them? I wonder what they'll do to the youkai who steals their coffee." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

          In the end, it was discovered that there was no chance of Hakuryuu agreeing to ferry nine people, not even when Hakkai's eyebrow started twitching like a caterpillar in agony. In the end, Hakkai ended up sending the chained, and therefore useless in a pinch, trio off to an inn in the nearest town before returning to the clearing to pick up the rest.

          And so it was that it was almost midnight by the time our intrepid heroes got to the entrance of the dungeon. 

          "Lovely atmosphere," commented Zenon, tapping on one of the ornamental Skulls-On-Sticks that flanked the small, yellow stone building they stood in front of. "Beware, all ye seekers," he read the small, unobtrusive piece of parchment tacked underneath the huge sign that proclaimed the crumbling stone hut to be the entrance to the 'Dungeon of Despair', "lest ye find more than ye desire."

          "Oh, wonderful," sighed Shien who was reading over Zenon's shoulder. "Clichéd dungeons. I _love_ clichéd dungeons. Monsters and puzzles and mortal peril. I'll eat my boots if we don't run across an evil knight in a horned helmet."

          "Flashlights?" asked Hakkai, checklist in hand.

          "Got 'em," said Gojyo, waving a couple.

          "Rope?" 

          "Yup."

          "Iron rations?"

          "_Iron rations_?" echoed Kougaiji in disbelief. "How long do we plan to be in there, anyway?"

          Hakkai shrugged. "You never know," he replied. 

          "You know," said Kougaiji, "if we're going to be in there long enough to need rations, we might as well not bother, because Sanzo and Homura are going to have killed each other long before then."

          "Oh, good point," said Hakkai. "Forget the rations then, Gojyo."

          "Good, because were going to have to go without them anyway, Goku ate the last of them last Tuesday."

          "Oh, never mind," sighed Hakkai. "Ready?" he asked.

          "As we'll ever be," sighed Shien. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

          "How many rooms, mister?" asked the innkeeper.

          "Two," replied Sanzo monotonously.

          "My, my, Konzen, how smart of you," scoffed Homura. "Mr. Innkeeper, one room, please."

          "Damn it, what are you trying to do!?"

          "In case you hadn't noticed, there's no possible way for me and Goku to share a room, while you're taking the second room." Homura gestured at the handcuffs.

          "But I want to be with Sanzo," Goku protested. "Who said I'm staying with you?"

          "Dear, dear Goku, all three of us will be sharing a room—so you've nothing to complain about."

          "Hah!?"

          The bored innkeeper yawned, not at all interested in their debate. As long as they were going to stay and pay up, he would be happy. He checked his paperwork in an attempt to stay awake.

          "I **still** want two ****ing rooms!" cried Sanzo hotly. "I've had enough of you for one ****** day!"

          "Uhm, mister…" said the innkeeper timidly.

          "What!?" asked all three simultaneously.

          "We only have one room left."

          "WHAT!!!???"

          Sanzo snorted in irritation. "I'll empty another one." He reached into his robe.

          "We'll take it," said Homura, quickly. "One night—is that right, Konzen?"

          "**** you! Who's paying for the ****ing room, you or me!!??"

          The innkeeper frowned, disagreeing to the, uh, adjective the monk had used to describe his inn.

          "Neither. It ain't your credit card, you know."

          Sanzo slammed the said credit card on the counter violently. "Give us the ****** room! I'm going to teach this good for nothing—"

          "Yes, yes." The long suffering innkeeper handed a key to Goku, the most rational person among the trio at the moment, from his point of view.

          "Thank you! Ne, do you do room service?" asked Goku, expectant.

          "Err, no…"

          "Is it all right for you to do so?"

          Pausing to ponder, the innkeeper finally saw that it would be wise for him to. He would not want the monk and the raven-haired weirdo to wreck havoc in his eating place. Already they were scaring his other customers, and having to reconstruct his restaurant was not exactly in his short term goal.

          He sighed in defeat. "One exception won't hurt…"

          "Wah, suteki! Is this the menu? I'd like to have—" Seizing the golden opportunity, he ordered while the other two prisoners of Homura's menacing chains continued their altercation.

          Who said Goku was not smart?

- - - - -

          The room was completely dark. Lest this description gives the reader the wrong impression, it should be clarified that it was only the _room_ that was dark. The ceiling, walls, floor and the very air were coated with tangible darkness that resisted all efforts of light to dispel it. Even the staircase they had descended had vanished into the blackness as soon as Zenon, who was in the rear, had lifted his foot from the last step. The assorted humanoid beings (and one dragon) standing in it, however, were lit perfectly well by several flashlights and a ball of light that floated cheerfully over Hakkai's head. 

          "This is weird," said Yaone, speaking for all of them.

          "'_Beware all ye seekers'_ indeed," grumbled Gojyo. "What are we supposed to find in total darkness?"

          "Wait… what's this?" murmured Hakkai as he picked up a ragged piece of paper from the floor, or at least, what he assumed was the floor, since it was flat, horizontal and he was standing on it. "A note… 'You are standing in a torch-lit room,'" he read. 

          He blinked. Stone had indeed come into being, forming walls, ceiling and floor. Kougaiji prodded the wall with the toe of his shoes and then lifted a torch from its wall bracket. "Interesting," he mused.

          "'You realize that one of your companions is missing,'" Hakkai read on, then frowned. "That's just silly, no one's gone anywhere—" 

          "Yaone!" exclaimed Kougaiji, looking around frantically. "She's gone! She was right here a moment ago…"

          "Figures," sighed Shien. "She's the only female within two miles, unless Hakuryuu is a girl dragon."

          "What do you mean?" demanded Kougaiji.

          "She's the Damsel-in-Distress of the day," clarified Shien. "She's probably being tied up by the dungeon's boss as we speak."

          "_Boss_?" 

          "The head honcho of all the little beasties that are probably crawling all over this place," said Zenon. "But don't worry, we'll get her back, most likely in one piece."

          "It's not _her_ I'm worried about," snapped Kougaij.

          "Oh?"

          "It's _us_! Yaone's the traps expert!"

          All around the room, eyes went wide. "Uh-oh," said Gojyo quietly.

          "'_A heavy wooden door is in front of you_,'" Hakkai continued reading. "What will you do?" Hakkai looked at the big, blackened door that had materialized in front of him, then at the blank wall where the stairs had used to be.

          "We go through, of course," said Zenon in a fatalistic tone. "Do we have a choice?" 

*** 

          Sanzo, clutching stubbornly to the key ("My key, so hands off!") inserted it into the lock. He then pushed the door open slowly. "****."

          "Eh? What's wrong?" questioned Goku, trying to catch a glimpse.

          A few people glanced in their direction, giving them odd looks as they did so. The handcuffs were attention-seekers, and to have three drool-worthy bishounen's was a bonus too tempting to resist.

          Homura, who was leaning against a wall quietly, lamented to himself. He could turn himself invisible to save him from this horrendous humiliation, but who could explain floating manacles? Sanzo, he was sure, could fend the irksome glares off easily with the help of his gun, but the scene would be in the front page of tomorrow's newspaper for sure. Sanzo would then run amok across many towns, thus driving Homura's sanity all the way to the Insane House for the Very Insane Gods in Tenkai.

          So he had to make do for a minor article about them should there be one, on the condition that it would be nowhere in the first ten pages.

          "Don't you know it's rude to stare?" Homura, his eyes still closed, said calmly. He unlid one eye, the golden one, and aimed a deadly glare at the onlookers, conveying his message through unfailingly. They shut their doors in a matter of seconds.

          The heretic god smiled contently. He wasn't called the war god for nothing, was he? The thought that Sanzo could have done better never once crossed his mind.

          Sanzo cursed again. He would not mind if he was solely chained to Goku, but to Homura as well? He should have known this problem would crop up, no thanks to Homura's pesky little 'jewellery' that he had been so eager to share.

          "Wah! It's a king-sized bed!" exclaimed Goku. "It looks comfortable!"

          Homura's eyes shot open, and he craned his neck to have a look for himself. "Konzen…there's only one bed?"

- - - - -

          "_'You are in a very large hall. Portcullises divide the room into many small, hexagonal chambers. Each chamber appears to have a pressure plate in the middle,'_" read Hakkai. Indeed, gates of wrought iron appeared on cue along with the usual walls and torches. If seen from above, the room might resemble an odd, metal honeycomb.

          "So what do we do?" asked Gojyo apprehensively.

          "Step on that raised spot on the floor over there," directed Shien. Gojyo eyed the pressure plate suspiciously and then stared at Shien. "Don't worry," sighed Shien, "if I'm right, it should just raise some of these gates so we can pass through."

          "I'll do it," volunteered Zenon, stepping on the plate. It sunk into the ground. Then, with much rattling and a ear-splitting squeak, three gates rose into the ceiling, providing ample space for the party to pass.

          "Now what?" asked Hakkai.

          "We pass through, step on plates, and pray that we go in the right direction," said Zenon. "I hate lever mazes," he muttered in an undertone.

          "Stick together, people," warned Shien. 

*** 

          Genjo Sanzo was not happy. He was smoking his last cigarette, and he was craving for another. If not, something better. He gazed at Goku thoughtfully.

          It is a general fact that Son Goku is alive most in noisy surroundings. In contrary situations, Goku would be more than willing to supply his companions with a sound or two. But for now, he would prefer to busy himself consuming all the food that was delivered to their room.

          Homura, however, insisted that he had some meditations to catch up with, having wasted enough precious time running around and toying with them. Sanzo, naturally, ignored Homura's claims, believing that the god had no regrets whatsoever in "revealing the true ******* within him" to the public.

          So off Homura went, to the rooftop by the window, sitting cross-legged and synchronizing his breathing. The two lumps on his head were getting sore by the minute. Unable to take the pain, he hopped back into the room.

          Homura was greeted by Sanzo's frosty glares, trimmed with death wishes especially for him. Homura brushed past him blandly, paying no heed to the moody monk. Until…

          "Hey."

          "What do you want, *******?" said Sanzo acidly.

          The chains prevented Homura from taking another step. "Will you please get your @$$ up? I need to go to the bathroom."

          "Go, then." Sanzo grabbed a newspaper. "And while you're at it, why don't you do everyone a favour and drown yourself in the bathtub? No, make that the sink."

          "Konzen, you're not helping in the least. I can't even reach the loo if you're just going to sit there." Homura, sighing, slid his cape off his shoulders. Tossing it on the bed, he stood with his hands on his hips and returned Sanzo's look. "If you're not going to help me, I'll ask Son Goku."

          "Eh?" Goku swallowed, puzzled. He was too absorbed with his noodles to hear what the two were talking about.

          Homura smiled sweetly. "Son Goku, would you be a dear and stand up? I have some business to take care of in the bathroom, but I can't reach it with these chains limiting my liberty."

          "Oh, okay!" Goku moved closer to the toilet, his hand still holding a bun. "Will this do?"

          Homura tried to enter, but he was still stuck, no thanks to his cursed chains. He mumbled an oath.

          "No?" asked Goku, his bun now gone entirely. "Sorry, but that's the farthest I could go."

          Homura frowned. "This is getting annoying."

          Sanzo, his head full of curses for the god, put his newspaper. Seeing the golden eyed Goku, his stubbornness faded away into a state of oblivion. Firing a look that said you'd-better-be-grateful-or-else-you're-really-going-to-regret-it at Homura, Sanzo budged his chair closer to him.

          "Are you happy now?" murmured the blond, his sarcasm too noticeable.

          Homura beamed. "Why, yes, Konzen. I'm surprised to see this caring, nurturing side of you which I never knew existed deep under that **lovable**, cold, I-don't-a-give-a-damn personality of yours, dear Konzen."

          Sanzo's eyebrows were twitching. "Just go in there before I change my mind and let your bladder suffer."

          "Hai, hai…"

          "Um, Homura…?" Goku voiced out. "Shouldn't you close the door? Sanzo always makes sure I close the door whenever I go to the toilet."

          "That's easy, Goku." Homura smiled at his curiosity. "The chains wouldn't let the door close anyway, so why bother?"

          "Oh…"

          With the newspaper blocking his face, Sanzo snorted as he thought how Homura's perverseness could rival that of Gojyo's, perhaps by a long shot. Yet there was some hint of sneakiness that somehow made Homura more distinctive than common perverts. And Sanzo knew not what, or why, or even how.

          Unnoticed by anyone, not even himself, a micro-smile had made its way to Sanzo's lips.

          "Atsui!" Goku announced, leaning back in his chair. "Sanzo, can I borrow your fan? It's hot!"

          The smile disappeared as fast as it came, and Sanzo involuntarily passed the fan to his lover. The fan, which most of the time served as a key to ensure some peace and quiet, had now condescended itself and was no more than an ordinary paper-fan, a slave to cool Son Goku down.

          Having completed his own, ahem, private agenda in the loo, Homura stepped out; He was sweating furiously for some reason, that one wondered if his activities in the loo a moment ago was arduous, even for a god, requiring much feat. Sweat was glistening on his forehead and arms, and beady drops of water clung tenaciously to the ends of his hair, like morning dews to leaves. Homura's bodice hugged tighter to his body, revealing his lean yet well-developed muscles.

          Goku found himself staring at the figure of Homura Taishi, barely blinking. In his eyes, Homura looked uncannily breathtaking, presumably outdone only by Sanzo. There was the amazing body, bearing an unmistakable resemblance to the corrupted monk. Goku silently thought to himself, that if Homura was to dye his hair blond, even he, Goku, would not be able to tell the difference.

          Sanzo had peeked from behind his newspaper upon noticing the sudden stillness that had held the room. As he laid his eyes on Homura, they were stunned. Never the one easy to be filled with reverence, Sanzo knew splendour when he saw one with his own two eyes. And there was one, in the form of Homura Taishi.

          Homura, on the other hand, was too engrossed in complaining about the heat, took no notice of his room companions. He sat nimbly next to Goku after asking for his consent.

          "Any reason behind this courteous act of yours, Homura?" asked Sanzo, suspicious.

          "None whatsoever," replied Homura, defending himself. "I just thought we might as well make peace for awhile, since there's no possible way we can avoid each other's company with these manacles tying our fates together. Don't you agree, Son Goku?" Homura smiled at him.

          Goku was taken back. Sure, that was not the first time he had seen Homura smiling at him, but there was something else about it this time. And that something else made it…beautiful.

          "So, Konzen…once you're done with that newspaper, would you mind passing it to me?" asked Homura.

          "I thought gods know everything about this world and humans," Sanzo pointed out.

          "Most of the gods, yes, but I'm only interested in several in particular." The glint in his eyes was almost insinuating, conveying the identity of the 'several in particular' to Sanzo and Goku. "Well, I'd better go to my place now—on the roof. Meditations, you know." Homura tugged the chains, a gesture to ask them to move from their respective places.

          "Can't you just do it here?" demanded Sanzo, not really annoyed. "I'm reading here, damn it!"

          Homura stared at Sanzo, not believing what he had heard. Sanzo agreeing to have him in the same room? This was news indeed. "Are my ears deceiving me? The great Genjo Sanzo just allowed me to stay here? In the presence of—"

          "Don't push your luck."

- - - - -

          In accordance with Murphy's Law, not only did each and every god, youkai and dragon end up in a different cubicle, but they also ended up scattered throughout the hall, hopelessly lost. It was not until Kougaiji, in a moment of brilliance, applied some lateral thinking that they managed to pass through the puzzle.

          "That could have been done with less violence," grumbled Hakkai, nursing a burn as they left the room and the twisted, gently smoking wrecks of iron it contained behind.

          "Oh, stop complaining," said Kougaiji. "We're out of there, aren't we?"

          "Fireballs," murmured Shien. "Must remember that one." 

*** 

          To see Sanzo reflecting, musing about something, or anything for that matter, is almost as rare as seeing a chicken laying a golden egg. Normally he would just accept whatever coming in his way, with the invaluable assistance from his gun. In the case of his affection towards Goku, it rarely needed any thinking. He just let his intuition take care of Goku.

          But here he was, sitting barely two feet away from someone who he thought was his arch nemesis, a rival who would not stop at anything to take Goku, **his** Goku, away from him. The same adversary who posed a threat, like a tickling time-bomb, just waiting to explode and annihilate the bond that had blossomed between the monk and the monkey.

          '_…What the heck is going on here?'_

          Okay, so Sanzo did acknowledge that Homura looked marvellous back then. But the point was, Sanzo was with Goku!

          …But Homura was…different.

          While Goku's charms lie in his incredible naivety, Homura's were more mature and adult-like. The way Homura carried himself was with a degree of dignity, displaying his superior air for his opponents to see.

          Sanzo clutched his forehead, his fingers inadvertently lingering on his lips.

          '_Can it be…? Now I'm falling for Homura too? ****.'_

- - - - -

          Goku, who had finished his food, leant back in his chair, rubbing his now round stomach in the process. He straightened, now inspecting the other two occupants in the room.

          To Goku, Sanzo was acting a wee peculiar than normal. Goku's observant eyes noted that Sanzo was stealing glances in Homura's direction every now and then. Before he could ask, Sanzo had switched his gaze, now affixed upon him.

          "What?" said Sanzo.

          "N-Nothing…" Goku stammered.

          A minute passed before the blond resumed. "Come over here."

          Despite his full stomach, Goku, obedient as usual, approached Sanzo, wondering if he had done anything wrong thus aggravating Sanzo. To his delight, Sanzo, who was still reading the newspaper, patted his lap with his free hand. The message was certain; He was alluding to Goku, ordering him to get on his lap.

          Goku did as he was told, and became cognizant of the fact that he could see Homura's countenance better from where he was now. Awed to see Homura's lean body, Goku could not help but think that Homura nearly resembled his own beloved Sanzo.

          And, at that moment too, he realized that his heart, which was beating twice as fast, had amplified to a great extent—and now beating much, much faster beyond imagination, that his chest was in danger of imploding.

- - - - -

          Homura crossed his legs and his arms, sighing heavily. Finally, with a discontented grunt, he pushed his chair away somewhat roughly and settled on the floor. He took a deep breath, relaxed his muscles and his eyelids, sealed shut.

          But peace of mind was something he did not acquire.

          A myriad of questions were spinning in the walls of his cerebrum, bouncing and ricocheting in an intricately erratic fashion. The echo from all his brain activity coagulated, forming copious blockages here and there, while others group together and pummelled down due to its massive weight, until it came to a sudden stop, only to remain in the hollow portion in his chest, disrupting and disharmonizing his natural blood flow.

          His raucously disturbing oath did nothing to cure his condition, only earning him an unappreciative look from the monk and a quizzical blink from Goku.

          Homura stretched his legs out, and repeated the whole manoeuvre, to no avail.

          "Sanzo, what's wrong with Homura?" asked a concerned Goku.

          Ever since Rinrei's departure from the journal of his life, Homura had thought that Son Goku—and only him—could ever replace her and pervade the unbearable void in him. But now he was musing about Genjo Sanzo, who apparently had left the same impact on him as Son Goku did.

          "Just leave him alone," Sanzo responded.

          Usually Homura had never given a threesome a thought, but that was about to change. And a whole load of other things.

- - - - -

          Fireballs stood them in good stead as they encountered, in quick succession, a horde of orcs, more goblins than should be allowed to congregate in one spot, a lever puzzle involving wooden doors, fluffy, evil evidence that Nii's Bunnies of Doom may not have been genetically engineered after all, a plague-sized swarm of gnats, and a lone mind flayer that tried to eat Gojyo's brain and was shot repeatedly for its trouble. Kougaiji fireballed it anyway, just in case having numerous holes in its torso was not enough to kill the squid-headed thing.

          "What the hell were those things?" said Kougaiji.

          "What, the rabbits?" asked Zenon sardonically, rather wondering at Kougaiji's sudden violent (but very timely) reaction to the critters.

          "No, those… strange creatures. The big, green ones with bad teeth, the small, smelly ones and the squid mage." 

          Shien helpfully passed Kougaiji a thick book entitled _A Beginner's Guide to Dungeon Crawling_. 

          "Ah," said Kougaiji in an enlightened tone, skimming through Page 298 (_When to Expect the Unexpected_). "So we should be coming to a minor boss right about …now."

          "You mean that demon over there?" asked Hakkai nervously.

          "What, only _one_ demon? Hah. We've got three," snorted Shien.

          "He said _demon_, not youkai," said Kougaiji from about Page 305 (_Commonly Encountered Beasts and Factions_). "Despite what you people think, a demon is actually a being from the lower planes, while my people—"

          "And semantics is relevant to our situation how?"

          "Er, well…" Hakkai gestured weakly at a huge figure of shadows and smoke standing in a corner. It seemed to mainly be smouldering gently, although its wings were definitely on fire. Its eyes glowed a blazing red. Its head had the outline of horns, and it seemed to have folded its arms over its chest. Big, muscular arms that ended in claws. _Big_ claws.

          "_ARE YOU GENTLEMEN QUITE DONE YET?_" the demon boomed, drawing its huge sword. It burned with flames. "_I BELIEVE I AM SCHEDULED TO SLAUGHTER YOU ALL RIGHT NOW, AND I DO HATE TO BE LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT._"

          "_AIIIEEEEEE!_" 

*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

          It was getting late, and so far they had heard nothing from the other party. The three were getting impatient, if not restive.

          Goku, a born optimist, was too sleepy to attend to his moods. He yawned broadly.

          "I want to sleep," he told Sanzo.

          Sanzo, who was in fact, tired himself, nodded once in agreement. Giving Homura a commanding look, ordering him to move closer to the bed, he settled next to Goku on the soft mattress, with his back against the wall.

          "Good night, Sanzo…and Homura." Goku flashed a beaming smile.

          Homura had no idea what got into him at that second, and what made him bend over and give a surprised Goku a mild peck on his forehead. When Homura became aware of what he had pulled off, he knew he was in for a really nasty punishment. He waited for hell to break loose.

          Only to see Sanzo looking at him. No threat, no movement at all—just that look.

          Goku, with a smile and a pair of crimson cheeks, whispered a thank you to Homura. He turned quickly to Sanzo, afraid that Sanzo would murder him in cold blood for thanking Homura for the kiss—which Goku somehow liked.

          Sanzo did not say anything, but awarded Goku with a kiss of his own, much to shorter lad's joy.

          "Thank you, Sanzo…" Goku closed his eyes, sighed in satisfaction, and sailed off to slumberland.

          "So…Konzen…" ventured Homura carefully. "Are you still mad?"

          Sanzo glanced at him. "Maybe."

          Homura hated ambiguous answers, and if it was not because Goku was asleep, he would have gotten into a catfight with Sanzo. He opened his mouth to ask for a more explicit answer, but Sanzo beat him to it.

          "I still think I'm a better kisser than you are."

          Homura gawked at him upon hearing the unexpected coming from the blond's lips. Homura grinned. "I wouldn't bet on it if I were you."

          Sanzo snorted quietly as he turned away.

          "So…want me to test your theory and prove you wrong?" said Homura dryly.

- - - - -

          Elsewhere in the dungeon, in a decidedly better furnished room, a battle of a different sort raged. Well, not _raged,_ exactly. If a battle involving swords, sorcery, machine guns and Balrogs could be likened to a violent thunderstorm, then this was a thin stream of water from a leaky facet. 

          Yaone folded her arms across her chest, and tried to ignore the dragging weight of the chains manacled to her wrists. "I am absolutely not putting _that_ on," declared Yaone. _That_ was a dress. The kind of dress every girl wants… when she is five, and wants to be a princess or a ballerina when she grows up. It was pink and frilly. In fact, it was so frilly it resembled cotton candy. 

          "Dammit, woman," boomed the knight she was arguing with. Like any good evil knight, he had black armour with spikes in inconvenient places, a helmet with huge horns, and an obscenely huge sword. "You can't be a proper damsel-in-distress without a dress."

          "But I _don't_ want to be a damsel-in-distress!" wailed Yaone. "Why don't you just let me go, Sir Knight, and we forget about the whole thing?"

          "Because this is a _dungeon_," said the knight patiently. "Dungeons have _got_ to have at least one damsel-in-distress who's been captured by the Evil Knight or the Dreaded Dragon. It's a _rule_. Got that, Sara?"

          "You can jolly well show me where that rule's written down, then," said Yaone stoutly. "And my name's not Sara. It's Yaone."

          "Well, uh…" began the knight uncertainly, "I… I _don't_ have to show you where that rule's written down! You're my captive, and you have to do as I say!" he proclaimed triumphantly. "Besides, I'm _evil_. I don't have to go by the rules."

_          Ah-hah!_ thought Yaone. 'So if you don't have to go by the rules, then you don't need a damsel-in-distress! And if you don't need a damsel-in distress, then I can go! Will you unchain me now, Sir Knight?" she asked sweetly.

          The knight blinked. "Well, okay," he said, and reached for the key to her chains on his belt. Then he blinked again. "Wait a minute… no, I'm not letting you go! Think you're so smart, do you?" he smirked. "Well, you're not outsmarting _me_. You're staying right here until your friends come get you. _If_ they come get you."

          Yaone decided to try a different tack. "As a damsel-in-distress, I have the right to be rescued by a knight in shining armour," she said. "There isn't one."

          "There isn't?" asked the knight incredulously. "What kind of adventuring party travels without a knight in shining armour?"

          "The kind," sighed Yaone, "which isn't. We just want to get to the Temple of the Oracle of Small Missing Objects."

          "Hah! You're on a Quest! Not adventurers, eh?"

          "It doesn't matter," growled Yaone, who was desperately wishing for the knight to just drop dead. "I _still_ want my right to be rescued by a knight in shining armour," she said stubbornly. 

          "Let's see… in the absence of a knight, damsels-in-distress may be rescued by a prince or a member of any royal family of their choice," the knight recited from some obscure list of rules in his head. Got a prince?" 

          "I _knew_ we should have left Kougaiji-sama at home," groaned Yaone. The knight gave her another triumphant smirk. "Fine," sighed Yaone, "I give up. I'll go put on your stupid dress. Will you please unchain me so I can go change?"

          "You won't try to run away?" asked the knight suspiciously.

          "No," said Yaone. She raised her right hand. "I swear." Of course, the fingers on her left hand were crossed behind her back, but the knight wasn't to know that.

          "Good girl… Zelda, was it?" grinned the knight, unchaining her.

          "It's Yaone," snapped the youkai. "Are you going to _watch_?" she demanded angrily.

          "Uh, no," said the knight sheepishly. "Screen. Over there."

          Yaone marched primly behind the screen. There were the predictable sounds of rustling cloth. Then, there was a _ping_. "Oops," said Yaone, and tried to grab that vial of suspicious gray liquid. Her fingers missed, and instead gave the vial a little push… and it rolled out from under the screen, and came to a stop next to the knight's boot.

          "What's this?" he asked, picking up the vial.

          Yaone poked out her head from behind the screen. "Oh, that?" she asked innocently. "That… uh, that's _not_ the Elixir of Life. Nope. Not at all."

          The knight gave her a suspicious look. "No?"

          "Nope," said Yaone. "It's _not_ the Elixir of Life. Got that? Definitely _not_ the Elixir of Life. After all, what would a girl like me be doing with the Elixir of Life? So don't open it, okay?"

          "Oh, really?"

          "_Really_," said Yaone in her most innocent tone.

          Predictably enough, that was enough for the knight's fingers to begin straying towards the cork holding the vial shut.

          "Don't," said Yaone. "You don't want to."

          "I don't, do I?" glowered the knight at her. Yaone hid a grin and held her breath. "Let's see about that," said the knight, and popped the vial open. The change was dramatic. He turned bright green, grabbed at his throat, keeled over and hit the floor with a loud _clang_.

          "No. You don't" grinned Yaone. She dropped all pretences of changing into the dress, pried the vial away from the knight's stiff, gauntleted fingers, corked it, and ran for freedom and fresh air. 

+ [ tsuzuku ] + [to be continued] +

Authoresses' Notes: The story will end in one or two more chapters. And we thought we'd never hit the 'owari' sign…


	11. That Darn Key, and What the Coffeemakers...

**Disclaimer:** Please. If we owned Saiyuki, Kougaiji would be my slave. And I don't mean the domestic kind. (_Kudou: For God's sake, need I remind you that I'm innocent?!_)

**A/N:** We apologize for the incredibly long time taken to post this chapter. Our exams are over (thank God) and right now we're going to focus on finishing this ficcie because we're such nice authors and don't want our readers to die of anticipation On a side note, Solarwind has been selected for national service and will be gone for 3 months. We miss her lots, but this fic will go on, yesiree.

**Warnings:** OOC-ness, a pathetic excuse for a plotline, hazardous pairings and horrible, gaping plot holes. What's not to love, eh?

* * *

Chapter 11: That Darn Key, And What The Coffeemakers Didn't Tell You

Yaone hurried through the seemingly endless stone corridors, wondering where on earth Kougaiji and the others could be. 15 minutes of searching had brought her no luck and her legs were starting to feel numb.

As it turned out, she wouldn't have to search much longer.

As she rounded a corner, the unmistakable sounds of a battlefield reached her ears. Yaone hesitated. She warily eyed the doorway on her right, wondering if she had stumbled upon a different party. The last thing she needed was to be "kidnapped" again by another bumbling excuse for a knight.

A loud explosion made Yaone jump back reflexively. From inside the doorway, she heard unmistakably familiar voices: "Don't _touch that_, you godforsaken hentai!!"

"I was just trying to protect it – uh, you – from the Balrog!!"

"YEAH, _RIGHT!!!!_" **Wham.**

Yep, Yaone was definitely in the right place.

"Kougaiji-sama!" she called, running into the room. Or, to put it more accurately, the remnants of the room.

3 youkais (one of them looking very pissed off and folding his hands just above the waistband of his jeans to protect a certain part of his anatomy from, ahem, further intrusion), 2 gods (one of whom sported a large bump on his cheek, no doubt caused by a crescent-shaped blade) and a miniature white dragon greeted her vision, each looking as if they hadn't bothered to shower for a few years.

"Yaone-san! You're alright!" Hakkai tried to smile, but it's hard to do so when one of your buck teeth has just been punched out by a angry (and heavy) Balrog fist. In the end, he looked like he had stuffed a grapefruit into the side of his mouth.

"What happened to you, Yaone?" Kougaiji asked as he carefully navigated his way around the motionless Balrog which was buried under 20 lorries' worth of stone and rubble.

Yaone filled them in on her encounter with the knight. Shien snorted. "So I was right about this dungeon being clichéd, I guess I don't have to eat my boots after all?"

"If it'll shut you up, eat them anyway," Gojyo sneered, ignoring Hakkai's attempts to pacify him. Shien's latest hand trick had finally sent him over the edge. "And while you're at it, why don't you eat your shirt? And your turban? And your _frilly pink underwear_?"

Shien's eyeballs inflated to impossible sizes. "Why you – "

" – should both be quiet and listen to what our tour guide, the little ragged piece of paper has to say," Hakkai interrupted. The ominous note in his voice did not go unnoticed. As his previous outburst was far from forgotten in the minds of everyone present, they took the cue to shut up.

Satisfied, Hakkai began reading. "You are nearing the end of your quest (Here, very audible sighs of relief could be heard). All you need to do to complete your journey is to take 3 steps to the left…"

Everybody immediately did so, anticipating the end of their tiring ordeal.

"Now 5 steps forward…" They were now out of the room.

"3 steps to the right…." The tension mounted.

"4 more steps forward…"

"6 steps backwards…" Eyebrows began to rise.

"And 2 steps diagonally…"

Zenon snatched the piece of paper from Hakkai's hands. "Is this a ing joke?" he demanded. "Someone's trying to toy with us here!" He scanned the paper.

_"Take those 2 steps, dumbass,"_ it read.

Zenon flushed. "I'm being insulted by a scrap of parchment…?" Shien rolled his eyes and dragged his colleague over to the required spot.

"Now what?"

"I don't know, the paper's blank. How odd – "

"Ya might wanna look this way."

As one, everyone turned on their heels. A large set of ornately-decorated doors had mysteriously materialized in front of them. A lone figure stood before it.

"Welcome."

-------------

Dr. Nii rued the day he had first heard of coffee.

From his hiding place under a table, Nii watched as Huang ricocheted madly around the lab, providing a rather screechy soundtrack as she did so. "Aaaaah! _AAaaaaarrrrrgh! **AIIIIIEEEEE!!!!"**_

The source of her terror could be located just a few feet above her. A floating figure that greatly resembled a maniacal banshee glided gleefully after Huang, in the process destroying everything in sight. "Me want! Me want!" she cackled.

Nii grabbed Huang and dragged her under the table beside him. "What's happening?" he hissed. "This was not in our list of hypothesizes!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Huang hissed back, her eyes overly bright from her impromptu exercise. They cringed as a nearby shelf bearing years' worth of research and potions crashed onto the floor. "That's not Kougaiji's mother! Too much caffeine has made her insane!"

A flashed of tattered red cloth streaked past them. "Me want pork buns! Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!" _Crash. Boom. Bang._

Nii shuddered. "We need to stop her…if only we could get our hands on a Limb-Numbing potion or such…"

"WOOOOOO! PRETTY PORK BUNS! WOOOOOO!" Kougaiji's mother did a somersault in the air and flashed a peace sign at a camera that only she could see.

Huang stared at Nii. "…not a chance, Nii. Not in all that havoc." She leaned forward, yelling to make her words heard above the noise. "I _believe_ that she will _cease_ to be _conscious _once the _effects_ of the coffee wear _off_! The excessive compound of _coffee extract_ must be giving her an _extreme_ adrenaline rush! If my _estimations_ are _correct_, once the caffeine's _efficacy_ dies down, she should _be_ able to be _SUBDUUUUUED_! _Aack_!" They both scrambled out of the way as some coffee mugs smashed their way into the legs of the table.

"Of _course_, it _depends_ on how much coffee you _fed _her!" Huang continued. "How much _coffee extract_ did you pour in, Nii?"

Nii tittered nervously. "Well, you know, it's funny you should ask…"

"….Nii?" Huang had a very bad feeling.

"…"

"Nii!"

"About three-quarters of our stock."  
"WHAT?!!!"

------------

The group looked appraisingly at the woman before them. She was definitely middle-aged, with a plump figure and a waxy complexion that suggested she didn't spend much time out in the sun. She wore a very odd costume made out of many pieces of different fabric and material (cotton, glass, artificial hair, badges, sheepskin, etc) sewn together to shape a dress. Her arms were decorated with bracelets fashioned from mismatched beads of all shapes and sized, wire, clay and even little jigsaw pieces. Ditto for her hair, which was braided with odd-looking strings and feathers, some of which glowed and caused the illusion of feathery fireflies in her hair.

"Welcome," she repeated. Her words were drab and dull, as if she were used to uttering them at least 50 times a day. "You've finally found your way to me, the Oracle of Small Missing Objects."

"Oh, so you're the goddess in charge?" Hakkai inquired politely.

The woman snorted. It sounded horribly like a fart. "Goddess, right. They gave me the lowest position a goddess could have. Ya think they're gonna give ya superpowers and make ya look gawgeous and have your life handed to ya on a silver platter, but no, I got the boringest job possible, guarding stinky dungeons and petty objects that mortals keep losing – most visitors don't even make it this far, even though I give them perfectly plain directions."

Zenon coughed. "So…those instructions on the paper, they were given by you?"

The goddess (who from here on will be referred to as Osmo) grinned. "Damn straight, dumbass. I call them the way I see them," she added bluntly.

"But you…you gave us twisted orders…"

"What, an old lady like me can't have a little fun on the job? Besides, you lot are the most interesting visitors I've had in over 50 years. Now, what've ya lost?"

"A key," Hakkai answered.

Osmo raised an eyebrow. "Tut, tut, young man, you're going to have to be more specific than that. We get an average of 25 abandoned keys here per hour."

"I wonder how many hours it's been since Homura lost his key?" Kougaiji wondered aloud in a strangled tone.

"It's silver," Shien said, recalling the times he had seen his boss with us. "About as big as my palm and it has little flowery patterns around the edges." When the others shot him quizzical stared, he shrugged and simply said, "Rinrei liked flowers."

"And it had the words, 'Property of Homura Taishi' stamped on it," Zenon put in.

Osmo listened intently. "Homura Taishi, huh? Saw him at a festival of the gods about a century back. Skinnier than a pole, that man. Needs more meat on his bones." She retrieved a scroll and pen from in between the folds of her clothes and said clearly, "Homura Taishi."

The parchment seemed to suddenly grow in length until it reached the floor and continued for a good ten feet. The goddess huffed.

"Homura must have lost a _lot_ of things in his lifetime," Gojyo remarked, trying not to laugh.

"I'll say," Osmo grumbled as she scanned the scroll of parchment. "Shampoo, weapons, fabric softener, socks, boxers…there's not a thing this guy hasn't lost at least twice. Ah, here we are. The key ya want is in Section 2153."

She proceeded to open the giant set of doors and beckoned them in.

-------------

Huang's lips were pursed in a thin line, as they always were when she was exceptionally displeased about something, like, say, if Kougaiji's mother were to be revived as a flying lunatic after having consumed too much coffee. "Well, Nii, thanks to you and your decision to pour in almost all of the coffee, I'd say it'd be at least _6 months_ before she stops this disorder!"

"Watch it!" Nii petulantly wiped some off Huang's saliva off of his precious stuffed rabbit. They had shifted from the table to the back of a big machine in a corner of the room. Kougaiji's mother had now graduated from requesting pork buns to belting out rock songs.

"_Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be! As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy! And I swear that I don't have a gun! I don't have a gun! **DON'T HAVE A GUN! AH…!!"**_ She spiraled crazily in the air, playing an invisible guitar.

"Well, I suppose I have no other choice," Nii sighed heroically. "If I could manage to get to the storeroom and get the right potion, I think we could put an end to this problem…"

He gave his rabbit to Huang and patted it tenderly. "Take care of it Huang," Nii said stoically, like a general giving his troops one last order before they marched into battle. "Make sure he doesn't get hurt. That way, if I should die, at least he'll be alright…" His lower lip trembled dangerously as he gazed at his treasured rabbit. "Tell my little bunny-wunny googoo that I was a good trooper…"

"Oh, shut up and go." Huang grabbed the lapels of his coat and threw him out into the pandemonium.

-------------

Beyond the doors was a long stretch of stone corridor. On either sides of the room were roped-off sections piled high with every item imaginable: carousel horses, broken refrigerators, cymbal-banging monkey figurines and even cardboard cutouts of the entire Saiyuki cast (Everyone did a double take at this; Zenon wanted to smuggle the one of Hakkai but to his dismay, the head had been ripped off. Likewise, the face on Sanzo's cutout had garnered several "additions": namely, a crude moustache over his mouth, obscene holes in his nostrils, blacked-out teeth and hair extensions. Someone had scribbled "I don't trim my nails because I'm a wussie" across Kougaiji's cutout, much to his annoyance).

"Feel free to look around." Osmo gestured around her. "The place doesn't get cleaned up that often which is understandable; no sane idiot would wanna spend their days down here." She caught her words as everyone glanced discreetly at her. "Er…so, interesting stuff we got down here, eh? For lack of better things to do, I like to wade through all this junk sometimes, make things out the lost objects that most definitely will never meet their owners again."

"Is that how you made your dress? From all these random items?" Yaone asked, impressed.

"Ya bet, honey." She pointed at her behind. It was covered with a combination of tiles and bricks pasted artfully on fabric. "These bits here are from the very tower Gyumao was in when Nataku battled him all those years ago!"

Kougaiji politely turned away. _Doku's butt is so much better to look at…_

"I thought you were the Oracle of _Small_ Missing Objects?" Gojyo wondered aloud. "Why do you have all these not-so-small objects then?"

Osmo pursed her lips. "Yea, I'm pretty pissed with that myself. The Oracle of Large Missing Objects – that'd be Olmo, my cousin – decided that his job was for the bees quit. Did he send in a resignation letter or at least give us a confirmation before he jetted off to Malibu or wherever the hell he is now? Noooo. He decided to dump all his stuff here. The worst part is that nobody else wanted to take on his job, so who gets stuck juggling double duty! Osmo! Osmo this, Osmo that. Who wants to do the laundry? No problem, Osmo'll handle it!" She continued muttering to herself in this vein for some time. The others wisely decided not to interrupt her rambling.

They continued down the corridor until Osmo stopped at a section to her right. It looked just as jumbled and disorganized as the rest of the sections. Yaone stared as an eyeball the size of a beach ball strayed out of the pile and rolled placidly past her.

Osmo raised a finger and moved it slowly across the pile. Almost immediately, a small silver object flew out of the pile and into her outstretched palm.

"There ya go." She gave it to Hakkai, who placed it carefully in his pocket. "Tell Homura he should be more careful."

"Thank you," Hakkai said gratefully.

Osmo nodded towards her left. "There's a shortcut to the exit back there, and don't worry, ya won't be meeting any demons or evil creatures this time. By the way, dear," she added to Yaone, "how was the evil knight? Mean, lean and scary?"

"…not at all. _Not_ at all."

"Damn. I'm gonna have to fire him – that's the 5th one in a row. Authentic evil knights are so hard to come by these days. If you happen to know of any, send them my way." She waved goodbye as they strode towards the exit.

---------------

Nii whimpered as he crawled across the cluttered floor at breakneck speed, painstakingly trying to protect a small vial of blue liquid in his hands. Tampered electronic devices emitted weird beeps and gurgles around him.

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay,_ he chanted over and over. It became his mantra. He conjured a mental image of his beloved rabbit. _I must do this for my little bunny-wunny googoo's sake._ Emboldened, he continued to crawl –

"YAKAYAKAYAKA! COME PLAY!" Kougaiji's mother swooped down on him like a hawk cornering its prey. She grabbed his pants and dragged him playfully a few feet.

"NOOOO!!" Nii instinctively curled up in a fetal position, refusing to move. And so it was that Kougaiji's mother began dragging him across the room, stars spinning before his eyes as his head bumped on uncomfortable objects. He struggled. "Let go!"

"YOU COME PLAY FIRST!" Kougaiji's mother's superhuman grip on Nii's pants led to its being ripped off completely. She gathered the torn material in her hands and tried to make it hover beneath her feet. "MY MAGIC CARPET, HYUK-HYUK!"

In the face of this distraction, Nii swiftly uncorked the vial and threw its contents of Kougaiji's mother. _Come on, don't fail me now…_

Kougaiji's mother froze in midair as the contents of the potion seeped through her skin and numbed her veins. Nii sighed in relief at this positive sign. At last, she would fall down and they could keep her under wraps until the caffeine was completely gone –

Nii suddenly stiffened. Kougaiji's mother had begun her descent, all right. And it looked like Nii was her landing zone.

"Nii, MOVE!" Huang's warning came too late.

"NOOOOO – " _THUMP._

_---------------_

Hakkai was starting to think that arguing must be the cast's natural talent. He assumed he had seen and heard the last of his companions' bickering when they finally retrieved Homura's key, but truth is always stranger than fiction.

"I'm keeping the key!" insisted Zenon.

"No, I am!" Gojyo argued stubbornly. "Haven't you learnt anything? Gods are more prone to losing things!"

"Homura, yes. Gods in general, no."

To return to the inn the chained trio had been dropped off at, they had to walk. Yes, walk, simply because one dragon was not happy with the idea of having a pair of disputing dup (namely Gojyo and Zenon) on it. And Hakkai thought Goku and Gojyo were the worst pair…

Kougaiji was relieved. They had made it out of the labyrinth-slash-dungeon-slash-temple alive, and he was still watching a live slapstick, and no horde of angry and nutty gods was destroying his castle as they were right here beside him.

Yaone was having fun. Despite the previous ordeal with the evil blundering knight, which had now conveniently passed from her mind, she busied herself scrutinizing the plants and herbs in the forest they were passing through with her occasional cries of "Oh, I need this ivy for that potion I've been trying to mix…" or even "Mushrooms! Shall I pick some for dinner, Kougaiji-sama?"

Shien was depressed. Not only did he fail profusely to secure the positive attention let alone affection from Gojyo, he found himself becoming a death-glare target by the half-youkai. If that was not bad enough, Gojyo had decided to use him as a punching bag even when Shien's finger had inadvertently grazed against Gojyo's hair.

Zenon was vexed. He needed coffee, what with his dry throat due to an unending round of arguments with Gojyo. Exhausted, because they had stopped every one metre to exchange blows. And it did not help either to see Hakkai attending to Gojyo's non-existent bruises.

"Ah…I wonder what's going on at the inn…" pondered Hakkai loudly, indubitably trying to spark some sort of conversation among them.

"If the impious monk and daft god are still alive, I'll really be surprised," murmured Kougaiji. "If they're indeed dead, that would mean we went through all those death-defying and suicidal mission for nothing."

"I still pity the saru," Gojyo said with a grin, which contradicted enormously from what he just uttered. He had wisely kept a distance between him and Shien, but that did nothing to fend off the glances Shien were giving him. "Of course, I could be sympathizing with him for no reason, since he might be enjoying himself as we speak…"

"With Sanzo?" asked Shien.

"I was thinking of him eating, you pervert!"

"I'm more worried about Homura and Sanzo," said Zenon, looking at anything but Gojyo. No eye contact meant no senseless arguing. "Imagine if Son Goku's diadem is knocked off…"

Silence.

"Sanzo'll be able to take care of him," Hakkai reasoned after much thinking.

"If he is still breathing," Kougaiji interjected.

"The innkeeper," Yaone voiced out.

"Eh?" from the guys.

"Ah…the inn would be reduced to dust, so my sympathy goes to the innkeeper."

The five men and one dragon exchanged looks. "Aaaahhhh…" they said in unison, seeing some logic in that.

-------------

"I say Homura'll be black and white once we find them," Gojyo was declaring.

"Sorry to burst your bubbles, but I believe Homura'll be the last man standing," Zenon objected.

"Nope, neither of them will last longer than Son Goku," Kougaiji chipped in.

"Kougaiji-sama, I don't think joining them in this little bet is a shrewd move…" Yaone hissed urgently, but was waved aside by an absentminded Kougaiji.

"Ano, Shien…" Hakkai's eyebrow had been twitching all night that he was afraid it was becoming a habit. "Pardon me for asking, but precisely, why are you looking at Gojyo like that…?"

"I was not," Shien lied, trying to appear truthful. "I was thinking how pretty…those flowers are…"

"Shien-san?" Yaone squeaked meekly. "They're weeds."

"I'm talking about that one over there…" He pointed in a random direction.

"That's a cluster of fungi."

"…Botany has never been my strongest subject."

Hakkai was starting to feel suspicious. Hakuryu, who understood his moods most of the time, had tried to fly as far as possible from his owner without getting left too far behind.

"Hakuryu…" Hakkai had called incoherently.

Oh, yes, Hakuryu knew exactly what Hakkai was implying underneath that supposedly placid tone. Mind you, after the day's event, there was a high chance of seeing Hakkai unclipping his limiters at the next episode of Annoyances-of-the-Day, however small it was.

"Hakuryu…" A little strained this time.

"So, like, Hakkai…" Gojyo threw an arm around Hakkai. "What do you say? Which of them survives in the end? The corrupted monk, the bottomless pit of a saru, or that manic god?"

Hakkai regained his composure immediately, lightened up by the mere feel of the hand on his shoulder. "I say all three are fine."

"Is that so, Hakkai-san?" asked Yaone, relieved.

"Oh, yes…" Hakkai adjusted his monocle. "At least, I hope so."

"Aw, Hakkai, so thoughtful as always…" With a delighted chuckle, Gojyo touched the tip of Hakkai's nose with his index finger, making him blush slightly.

Shien, on cue, felt like he just hit rock bottom.

"Hey, watch it!" Kougaiji exclaimed as Shien walked straight into him. "Pay attention to where you're going!"

Shien was too depressed to retort.

"Gojyo, were you teasing me?" Hakkai, with a mischievous twinkle behind his closed eyelids, slapped Gojyo's back.

Subsequently Zenon felt depressed, taking this as a hint that he just lost to Gojyo.

"Uh, Zenon-san…you're stepping on my foot," Yaone said helpfully, trying to bear the pain at the same time. She silently wondered which of them was heavier, the god or the tin can she faced previously had he stood on her unfortunate foot. The female youkai winced as Zenon, still disheartened, stepped on her other foot.

---------------

Poor Kougaiji and Yaone had blisters by the time they reached their destination. It turned out that Zenon practically walked on Yaone's feet the whole way, that she suspected he was doing it on purpose. She said nothing, which would not be the case if she had not brought along a small jar of foot-balm.

Kougaiji was irked, to put it simply. Shien had pushed him more than ten times per minute, that on one occasion, he was in danger of falling into a swamp if it wasn't because of his timely act of grabbing hold of Gojyo's vest; Gojyo in turn tightened his hold around Hakkai; who grabbed hold of Hakuryu; who grabbed hold -perhaps 'bit' would be a more appropriate verb to describe it – of Zenon's jacket; Zenon then grabbed hold of Yaone's hair; who as she shrieked grabbed hold of Shien, whose whips seized the trunk of the nearest tree. It had looked pretty silly to see the human(oid) chain stretching from the tress to the swamp, but Kougaiji, for once, did not find it funny, especially since he just had his hair primped and nails manicured.

"What the heck could you possibly be thinking of that brought your attention all the way to the other side of the world?" Kougaiji had bellowed angrily.

Shien, out of spite, released his whips. Everyone else shrieked. Nonetheless, the award Hero of the Day went to Gojyo, whose quick thinking and shakijou helped to save the day.

"Thank you, Gojyo…" Hakkai thanked him, climbing up the metal chain.

"Think nothing of it." Gojyo winked, flattered. "Anything for you."

From depression, Shien and Zenon felt suicidal.

------------

Back to the present situation, the adventurers entered the still standing inn, not without whispering prayers of longevity before everything else.

Hakkai greeted the sleepy innkeeper behind the counter amiably. "We're looking for some people. One of them is a blond monk, another's a brown haired teen, and the third a go—I mean, a raven-haired fellow with mismatched eyes."

"Oh?" The innkeeper checked his registers. "You're referring to the chained gang?"

"Sanzo'll castrate him if he ever heard that," Gojyo, grinning, remarked.

"Err, yes…" Hakkai affirmed. "Their room number, please?"

They found themselves standing outside the aforementioned room with bated breath. The quiescence that clouded the room was starting to give them the creeps.

"They're too quiet," commented Kougaiji, speaking on behalf of everyone present. "Do you think they, you know, are still alive? This silence beats the graveyards anytime."

Yaone shivered at the thought. "K-Kougaiji-sama…"

"I don't smell blood…" Shien pointed out.

"Really?" jibed Gojyo. "I heard you sniffling a couple of times. You sure your nose isn't blocked?"

"Shall we break the door, then?" suggested Hakkai.

They agreed without a second of conference. Kougaiji and Gojyo threw themselves on the door, followed by Shien and Hakkai. But it was Zenon's machine gun that pocked holes into the door and at the same time woke almost every breathing life form in the vicinity. Once the door looked no different from a layer of cheddar cheese, all five men kicked it down. The residues of the door collapsed to the floor, revealing three bishounens on the bed, sleeping peacefully.

The spectators gawked. As one, their jaws hit the floor.

"They didn't hear Zenon-san's racket?" Yaone asked, incredulous. Being the one standing behind, she craned her neck for a better look, and she blinked at the sight.

Goku was lying on Homura's lap. Sanzo was leaning against Homura, while his left hand was entwined in Goku's. Homura's arm, meanwhile, was draped around Sanzo.

"Eeto…I believe I won the bet?" Hakkai, who was the first to recover, stated.

"This is…unbelievable!" Kougaiji managed to sputter even with his mouth open.

"Well, I never thought they would…" To everyone's surprise, she left her sentence hanging to make way for her giggles.

"Does this mean we'll be hearing 'Konzen' instead of 'Rinrei' from now on?" asked Zenon.

"Aa…" from a depressed Shien.

"I take back everything I said about my pitying the saru," Gojyo murmured. "He's so lucky he doesn't need my empathy anymore. Eeoowww!" He jumped when Hakkai pinched him without warning.

Goku yawned, and when he opened his eyes and saw them, he broke into a grin. "Look, Sanzo, Homura! They're back!"

That woke his companions up without further ado. The rest took a step backwards once Sanzo and Homura's glares were on them. It did not take the smartest being on Earth to tell they were somewhat embarrassed to be seen in that state of affairs.

"We, uh, brought the key," explained Zenon lamely, holding the key for everyone to see. "And, as you can see, none of us got killed."

"Aah…" Homura looked indescribably ambivalent. "Bring it to me."

Zenon did just that. Homura surveyed the key before installing it into the lock. A frown crossed his face.

"What's the problem?" asked Goku.

"The key…it…it doesn't fit…" mumbled Homura, perplexed.

"What the !?" cursed everyone but Goku. From the look of things, Hakkai and Yaone were too overwhelmed, too upset that they went all through that trouble and still got the wrong item.

"Are you sure?" Sanzo seized the key to give it a try for himself. True enough, the key could hardly slide into the opening. He cussed. "Are you sure you got the correct key?"

"Well, Sanzo…that's the key Osmo – the goddess – gave us," Hakkai appraised. "We, uh, presumed it was the one we're looking for…"

"Then again," interrupted Kougaiji, "with the perpetual number of items Homura kept on losing, she might've made a minor mistake…"

Sanzo glowered at Homura, to which the latter replied, "Hey, Tenkai **is **a big place…"

"So…do we go back to the temple?" questioned Yaone. "Frankly speaking, I'm not looking forward to play the role of a damsel in distress all over again."

"I'm out too," announced Kougaiji. "I've had enough trouble you guys call adventure or quest or whatnots to last me my entire lifetime!"

"How bad could it be?" said Hakkai. "We've been through it once, so we should be able to watch our steps in our rematch."

"The problem is, Hakkai, that we're too tired to begin our pursuit from square one!" Gojyo insisted. "I don't know about you, but I'm dead beat."

Goku, who was starting to not mind being chained to his lovers, shifted his head. As he did so, he became aware of a hard, solid thing in Homura's pants pocket. "Um, Homura…" He raised his head inquiringly.

"Yes?"

"There's something stiff in your left pocket, and it's poking my head. What is it?"

Homura looked puzzled. He dug into the said pocket, widened his eyes, and pulled out what could very well be a piece of platinum key.

Everybody gasped if not deadpanned, but Sanzo was the first to throttle Homura's throat. "You &%$#& #&%#! You had the ##$& key all along! Why you brainless—"

"Sanzo, maybe he just forgot…" Goku tried to be the peacemaker.

"I did forget! I usually kept it in my right pocket, so it's only natural that I—"

"That's no excuse, &&%!"

Kougaiji, seething in anger, joined in. "&%! I condescended myself for no &%ing reason! This is outrageous!"

"So where does the gold key go?" asked Gojyo, a slightly sore look on his countenance. "His treasure chest?"

"If my memory serves me correctly, there's this other pair of handcuffs Homura shoved into his storeroom a few months back because its key had gone missing," Shien recalled. "Yes, probably this is the key he lost before…"

Hakkai is shaking his head in anguish. '_My mood was ruffled for no reason…'_

"You know, if it wasn't because I'm under Homura, you'd be seeing me putting him up as my target practice," muttered Zenon.

"Zenon-san, as a follower you're required to serve your boss loyally no matter what…" Yaone said, but truth be told she was endeavouring to level down her fury too.

Goku, who now had the useless key closely guarded in his hands, sighed. "Sanzo? Homura? How about we settle this tomorrow morning?"

"No, I'm going to make this &%&$ pay—" cried Sanzo wrathfully.

"For finally hooking the three of us together?" jibed Homura.

"No, &%&$, for having a lower IQ than Goku! I can't **believe **a stupid &%&$ like you still exists!"

"Sorry, mister, but it takes an idiot to love another idiot." Homura fought back laughter.

"Did you just call me an idiot, you &%&$!!??"

"Eh, Hakkai, where are you going?" Gojyo looked over his shoulder, at his lover who was descending the staircase.

"I'm trying to get everyone to evacuate this area just to be on the safe side," Hakkai informed him. "There's no telling what could happen next…"

* * *

**A/N: **The lyrics belted out by Kougaiji's mother come from the song "Come As You Are" by Nirvana. Who knew she could be so rock-savvy, eh? I don't believe that Kougaiji's mother's name is ever mentioned in the anime (of course I could be mistaken), so I couldn't include it here. If anyone knows her name, feel free to tell us. Not that it'll matter anyway, because by the time we start writing the next chapter, I (Avarice Riot) will probably be dead. Killed by Kougaiji, to be exact, because he's so not going to be happy when he finds out what I did to his mother.

**Avarice:** And that concludes our chapter! Please do review –

_/BANG BANG BANG/_

**Avarice:** What the hell –

**Sanzo:** _/Aiming his gun at the 2 authors/_ Which one of you es dared to pair me and my saru with that despicable Homura?!  
  
**Avarice:** _/pointing at Kudou/_ Don't look at me, it was her idea.

**Kudou:** Rice-chan, I thought you were my friend!

**Avarice:** I told you this was a bad idea, now we've pissed him off!

**Kudou:** Now, Sanzo, I know you're very attached to your, er, saru, but surely you cannot deny that somewhere in your heart there's a special place for Homura…

**Sanzo:** STOP YAKKING! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!

**Avarice:** Now, wait a minute – no! NOOOOO! /_BANGBANGBANG/_

**Kudou:** I'm innocent!! /_BANGBANGBANG/_

Halfway across the country….

**Solarwind:** _/marching with the other trainees/_ Eh, what's that faint shooting sound? And those screams…they sound so familiar….nah, couldn't be. Alright now, _left, right, left, right, left!_

**Editor's Notes:** As of posting time, Solarwind (i.e. me) has been home for _months_. All of us are also now in college/university, and as such, are busy… and separated. The next (and possibly final) update may or may not be even slower. Sol signing out.

…No, Rice-chan's not dead yet. But we're keeping a close lookout for people with pointy ears and blonds with guns…


End file.
